Scream Queens Recap: Lovin’ the D

SCREAM QUEENS: L-R: Abigail Breslin, guest star Brooke Sheilds, Jamie Lee Curtis, John Stamos, Kirstie Alley and Emma Roberts in the all-new “Lovin The D” episode of SCREAM QUEENS airing Tuesday, Dec. 13 (9:01-10:00 PM ET/PT) on FOX. Cr: Michael Becker / FOX. © 2016 FOX Broadcasting Co.
Cr: Michael Becker / FOX. © 2016 FOX Broadcasting Co.

Hester is hanging out with a fresh corpse when Brock comes in to ask her for advice. He is well aware of Hester’s murderous past and doesn’t understand why he still wants to kill Chanel, even with his non-serial killer hand. She proposes three options: Brock’s new hand is also from a serial killer, Chanel is a terrible person, or that it was never really about his hand. Hester thinks he is naturally a killer and needs to be with someone who also enjoys murder. They then proceed to have a full-on make out sesh on the hospital bed alongside a corpse.

Time for another murder! Chanel #7/Marfan girl is walking down the hallway when she spots a plate of snickerdoodles on the ground. She does what any person would do when seeing an unaccompanied plate of cookies – she stops and starts eating them. What she doesn’t know is that The Green Meanie (Wes) was waiting in the ceiling for her. He lowers one of those animal control poles, gets it around her neck, and hangs her. Number Five, Munsch, and Arthur find her and try to brush off her death as complications from Marfan syndrome. Dean Munsch briefly faints then has Arthur help her back to her office and Number Five take Marfan girl to the special morgue. So dump her in the swamp? Got it!

We finally find out where Zayday has been taken hostage. She is in a secret dungeon-like pit under Jane Hollis’s bed! When she hears Cassidy’s voice, she figures out that he is the baby in the belly from 1985. “Mazel tov, Nancy Drew.” Cassidy has finally brought Number Three home to meet his murderous mom and she is less than thrilled. No one can convince her to let Cassidy stop murdering people at the hospital. This is pretty uncomfortable for Cassidy, who ends up choosing his mom over Number Three. Nooooooo. To make things worse, Jane tells Cassidy that Number Three has to die.

Back at the hospital, Scarlett Lovin and Chanel have a rom-com like moment complete with the song “Dream Weaver” and a wind machine. Anyways, someone leaked the news about the on-air surgery so it is being moved up to the following morning. This means the Chanels have to stay up all night to take the MCAT, pass the test, and stay awake for a long, complicated surgery. That sounds terrible because sleep deprivation is a real thing. Good news is that they all passed, but they cheated. Well, Chanel and Number Three did with the help of Brock and Cassidy feeding them the answers. Number Five got an almost perfect score on her own! “I’m a genius, and no one cares.” Can we start #JusticeforNumberFiveParty?

Cr: Michael Becker / FOX. © 2016 FOX Broadcasting Co.

As everyone is preparing for the surgery, Wes is busy poisoning Chanel’s coffee. Of course, every time she attempts to take a sip, she gets interrupted. After placing her own coffee cup next to Chanel’s, Scarlett picks up the wrong one because of course she does. She takes a ridiculously long drink, starts foaming at the mouth and collapses. The show must go on, so Chanel blatantly says on-air that Scarlett is dead and they all move on. Chanel is the camera hog that we all would expect from her and the surgery is a success. Afterward, the show’s producer offers the Chanels the opportunity to replace Scarlett on Lovin the D. All of their dreams are coming true!

The fry oil bath is poppin’ (literally) and all of the Green Meanies are present. Hoffel thinks that Wes broke their agreement by attempting to kill Chanel by poisoning her coffee. For this infraction, Hoffel and Cassidy suggest if a Green Meanie is found dead it will give everyone a false sense of security. Wes voluntarily falls backward into the bubbling oil, but not before saying his last word: playlist. Really? If you’re about to kill yourself in a huge tub of fry oil, at least make up a french fry pun or something.

Dean Munsch and Arthur find Wes fried to death and she faints yet again. She wakes up in a hospital bed surrounded by everyone. They explain that the hospital won’t be getting shut down and that The Green Meanie is dead. Brock wants to run more tests on her but Munsch finally confesses that she has kuru and will be dead in a month.

In the preview for the season finale, everything is finally going down. There’s a bomb and Denise is back from the dead?

What did you think of “Lovin’ the D”?

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