Welcome to the season 7 premiere of HBO’s Game of Thrones! Now this means two things: 1) It’s the second to last season of our favorite show (Aw) and 2) this is going to be a basic where are they now in this godforsaken show we love with 55 characters and 92 storylines, that likes to toy with us turning us into sheep every Sunday night until we get to an ending we will probably be completely unsatisfied with, but we will press on and pretend we didn’t invest years into this!
Ok panic phase over, here comes the good part:
Frey, Frey Go Away: Leave it to Arya to make an entrance and kill off an entire family. The Frey’s finally have suffered for taking part in the Red “if you have no idea what I’m talking about you are reading the wrong recap” Wedding. Arya, disguising herself as Walder Frey, killed off the entire male line of Frey’s getting revenge for her family. Did I totally see this coming? Yes. Did that make this entire scene any less cool? Nope! The bad ass bitch is finally crossing names off her list. If only Ed Sheeran was on that list…I’ll get to this later.
Weather Forecast: Well folks it looks like there is a cold front moving through. Now as the days go on we’ll be looking at snow totals of about 3 to 4 feet. Visibility will be nonexistent, except in the distance you may see some dead partially blue eyed white zombies coming your way. Stay indoors, stock up on your dragonglass and pray to every deity in the Seven Kingdoms because you don’t stand a chance!
Bran Forecast: Still boring, still completely useless even though they keep pushing his importance. I just don’t care, you shouldn’t either because this little prick is the reason Hodor is dead. Is my disdain obvious?
North Meeting, AKA Who Wore the Best Fur Coat: And the winner is: Jon “I’d do him in a pile of” Snow! Sorry I have a thing for Kings and people who look like Jon Snow. Little Lyanna totally gets second place for her choice of fur and her public speaking skills. Jon wants the Northerners to get ready for war with the dead. Dragonglass is more important than gold, Wildlings will protect the Wall, men and women will be fighting in battle (go equality!), gaining allies, even enemy houses…and what’s that?!
I’m sorry a basic bitch started talking named Sansa Stark and I stopped listening to the harping shrew. Yep it didn’t last long, I hate Sansa all over again. Should Sansa be counseling Jon? Yes, he’s dumb, but pretty to look at. I am not dumb and it’s obvious he will need help. Should she publicly make him look weak and act like his equal? NO! Screw the equality part and shut up you little brat. One season of smart does not make up for her years of stupid. Also, the fact Cersei is her role model should tell us Sansa ain’t playing with a full deck upstairs. Stick to attracting weirdos who want to kill you or creepy guys in love with your mother.
Jaime and Cersei are Dressing Alike And It’s Grossing Me Out More Than Their Incestuous Relationship: Long heading, but definitely needed. Cersei thinks she’s Tilda Swinton in some futuristic mov…or just Tilda Swinton in real life actually. Jaime looks terrified of his sister being in charge, not because she’s a girl. It’s because he knows she has borderline personality disorder with narcissistic tendencies and they are going to die any hot minute now. Jaime would like to talk about their dead children, but forget those genetically screwed children. They had it coming!
Jaime is trying to explain that they have no allies, winter is here, and spoiler alert: he’s seen the final chapter of the book and things don’t end well for the Lannister twins. Cersei ignores his warnings, the sign of an exemplary leader, and calls the Greyjoys. Jaime describes the Greyjoys as Westeros White Trash. He’d be correct, but coming from a dude sleeping with his sister..so wrong. Euron wants to marry Cersei in exchange for the Iron Fleet. She declines which is shocking because who wouldn’t marry a guy looking like he failed an audition for Once Upon a Time? He’s going to go bring her a gift to make her change his mind. If he tries to kill my Tyrion he better die a slow death.
Montage of Shit: This isn’t me being my normal sarcastic self. We saw a montage of shit being cleaned out of bedpans. Go Sam! College is mostly cleaning up puke after nights of drinking anyway so it’s almost the same. Crafty Sam steals the key to the restricted area of the library to educate himself and save the day. He’s basically Doctor Strange, just without the flashy cape. He’s found all the dragonglass!! If only he had a phone, wasn’t cleaning up poop, and wasn’t stuck with Jorah and his gross arm flailing about.
Relationship Status: Tormund still likes Brienne: check. Baelish is still creeping on Sansa: check. Brienne runs away from one stalker to help her friend with her stalker: check. Sansa is on to her creepy uncle and officially thinks he’s gross: check. I’m a not 100 percent sure about that last one because Sansa, like Jon, is STUPID!
Who Cast This Shit: Listen, who doesn’t love Ed Sheeran? Ok me. But I do NOT hate Ed Sheeran. I just don’t understand why he came dressed to set in his normal Saturday attire and could be filmed. I also do not know who made the decision to let him live. Perfect opportunity to kill a Hobbit visiting Westeros. Arya announces she is going to kill Cersei, but hopefully there is a deleted scene where she kills Ed for stealing “No Scrubs” from Kandi Burrus of Xscape and Real Housewives of Atlanta fame in that song that shall not be named that gets played 567 times a day.
The Hound: Boring heading for a boring story this episode. We get it, he’s becoming a better man. He’s seeing the light and the fire, finding humanity in a cruel world. Why not just hang a huge sign around his neck saying he’ll be important, a good guy, and will probably die in the end? We could have just used this time to catch up with Dany…
House Hunters International: Dragonstone: Dany’s home! The private beach is lovely, but the staircase must be a killer on the thighs. I hope she Lysols the table Melissandre and Stannis had sex on and conceived smoke baby. Also, a touch of color would do wonders for the place. Now that she has a house, she can kick some more ass! YES THE HEAD BITCH IS CHARGE is back!
Next week on Game of Thrones: Will we have more horrible misplaced celebrity cameos? Will Dany make her move on King’s Landing? Will Cersei align herself with the Greyjoys? Will Jon listen to council and not align with Dany? Will Sansa make that annoying face? The answer is definitely yes on that last one. Tune in next week for an all new Game of Thrones!