Forget about some big old introduction for this week’s Game of Thrones episode because we must start with breaking news – the dragon is alive and fine! What went down in the fifth episode of season 7? Let’s unpack it.
Oh yeah, and so is Jaime, whomp whomp. But you take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of… (we cannot finish the song due to copyright issues, but now it is stuck in your head).
Special shout out again to HBO for purchasing a DeLorean to speed up this entire show, because at least we didn’t have to wait until next week for Jon and company to get to Eastwatch. We will get to this later, so let’s first address the best bits of this uber long episode (which means next week will totally be cut short you HBO bastards).
The HBIC Finally Won One: Yay, Dany made a comeback! Bronn may have saved Jaime, but that’s about all the good news there is for the Lannister army. Jaime looks scared shitless because Dany did all that with one dragon, so three dragons equals we’ve lost this damn thing wtf do we do? As Bronn and Jaime escaped, Dany addresses the captured soldiers and offers them no real alternative other than serving her and bending the knee. If they do not, then you just die! The smart folks bent the knee with the first round of folks. Unfortunately for Sam, his Tarly family wanted no part of Dany as their potential queen. I would have respected them more if they didn’t come off sounding so Westeros racist. Oh you weren’t born here, so I’d rather let the crazy brother humper rule and destroy half the town. Tyrion does not want the Tarly family destroyed but Dany do not play and she had a free barbecue as Drogon burnt the Tarly men to a crisp. Seeing as burning alive was no fun, the entire army kneeled to Dany. Bye bitches.
Jaime Took a JetBlue Plane and Got Home in Five Seconds: I think that might have been the fastest transition of a character from one place to another. No way was that an Uber drive, but wow that was fast. Anyway, he tells Cersei they are royally fucked. He also tells her Olenna killed Joffrey, not Tyrion. Right now Jaime is not doing too well in his sister lover’s eyes. They cannot bend the knee, they are going to get killed, soooo let’s work on a new plan where we have a happy Disney magical fairy tale incest ending.
Drogon + Jon = Even Drogon Kinda Thinks He Fine: I feel like my wish that one of the dragons come up to Jon and lick his face is what kind of happened tonight or as close as we get. As Dany landed at Dragonstone, Drogon came face to face with Jon. Jon appeared scared, but Drogon let Jon pet him. Dany was even impressed and amazed…and turned on, she was totally turned on right? Just me? Whoops. Please excuse me I must fan myself.
Jorah Returns: …………………………………….<whispers> yay… I’m so thrilled that Major Cockblock is back and ruined the Dany and Jon moment. It was all awkward and she was so happy to see her FRIEND, you are just a FRIEND! Dany was just getting to the Jon totally died revealed, but no of course Sir Stares-A lot has to come back and heavy breathe and be all cured. Why couldn’t Jorah get like the slow boat and take another week to get back to Dany?
Bran’s Scene Was Only One Minute: THE LORD OF LIGHT IS REAL AND FINALLY ANSWERED ONE PRAYER! Now if every week could follow the same pattern where we get only a minute of Bran, I could live with that. Most importantly, Bran saw the dead headed for Eastwatch. No biggie. Night King also cannot stand Bran, he keeps interrupting his warging….which makes the Night King somewhat appealing so he cannot be completely bad.
The Ravens Must Have Been On Steroids Because Everyone Got Their Messages Tonight: The birds put the postal service to shame with their overnight delivery. Oldtown learns about Bran’s vision and they don’t care even though poor Sam keeps insisting he saw the dead too. While Tyrion and Varys discuss Dany not listening to them, Jon also gets a raven. Yay Bran and Arya are alive, BOOOO Bran saw the dead headed to Eastwatch. I love how Jon just totally accepts Bran having visions and doesn’t have a wtf is he talking about moment.
The Master Plan, aka This is a Bad Idea and Someone Gonna Die: The annoying thing is Jorah probably won’t die. UGH! Tyrion wants Jon to capture a White Walker so Cersei and Jaime can see that the dead exist. Jorah will help Jon capture one and bring it to King’s Landing. Dany is upset Jon is going to go himself to capture it, and omg she totally kind of sort of loves her nephew. And I mean LOVESSSSSS her nephew. Even Jorah is like I cannot catch a break. Jon gives one of his typical Jon speeches, and she agrees to let him leave.
Arya Thinks Sansa Being a Sketchy Bitch: Enough said. Sansa may be taller, but you don’t fuck with Mini Stark. Arya is literally the character that represents the audience the most. Don’t worry, we hate your sister too. And anyone who doesn’t hate Sansa well…they probably voted for a third-party candidate. Sorry but it’s true! Also does anyone really believe the North want Sansa to rule? Littlefinger probably paid them all to say that, let’s be real.
EVERYBODY’S MEETING UP, This is going so fast I cannot breathe!: Here we are fast forwarding again as Davos smuggles Tyrion into King’s Landing. Bronn brings Jaime to Tyrion and hello awkward family reunion. Did Jaime even like his father, you love the little dude! Forgive him! Davos finds Gendry, not rowing a boat! He’s back to being a blacksmith. Gendry is ready to drop everything and follow Davos into battle. Jaime tells Cersei that he met up with Tyrion, and she already knew and wants him to kill Bronn for arranging everything. She thinks making a truce with Dany might work to their advantage and maybe she should meet her, fight the dead and fake it until they make it. By the way she’s pregnant and Jaime is extremely happy because she’s going to tell everyone he’s the dad. They happy, and he didn’t ask her to go on Maury Povich. I think she’s faking this pregnancy because the bitch is either in menopause or has an ovarian cyst. Davos smuggles Tyrion out of King’s Landing with Gendry, who can swing an axe like Gallagher swatting watermelons. Gendry meets Jon, they become besties because their dad’s are besties, and everyone is going to Eastwatch which is the worst idea ever and THIS ALL HAPPENED IN EIGHT MINUTES AND I AM EXAUSTED. Talk about Westeros on speed! Dany says bye to Jorah (blah) and then Jon (awwww).
Sam and Gilly: So Gilly is reading about Rhaegar’s annulment and Sam totally cuts her off, which means Rhaegar probably married Lyanna and Jon is NOT A BASTARD, meaning yeah King. Boom. However, Sam interrupted her because he was having his male PMS again, and they checked out of Oldtown. I’m happy about this, because Sam can now help Jon in person, and Oldtown was getting…well old.
I Need Chris Hansen to Make a Comeback and Catch Littlefinger: Baelish is aware Arya is spying on him. She is not being no one, and this better be a ploy because I am uncomfortable every time this douchebag smirks and thinks he is winning. I could not read the scroll she was reading, but I am guessing Baelish planted it for Arya to find anyway to cause issues with the sisters. I have this sick twisted fantasy that Arya can steal her mom’s face (sort of as an ode to Lady Stoneheart) and kills Baelish as Catelyn. This is NOT a spoiler so if it happens I want one hundred dollars from each of you because I am a genius if they do that. Also, it would be sweet revenge that Catelyn kill the dweeb obsessed with her and her whole family.
House Hunters International: Eastwatch: A really, really, really, really cold place with a fabulous mountain view. Somehow this place looks colder than the Wall. Who knew that could happen? Tormund is told about the plan, but he really wants to know where Brienne is. Oh yeah. He thinks Jon is crazy, which means he is totally excited about this plan and potentially dying. Not only are all the men there, so is the Brotherhood and the Hound. Honestly it looks like Jon Snow and a bunch of drunks headed into battle, but here’s hoping this works!
Will the men be able to capture a While Walker? Will Tormund, Jorah, Gendry, Davos, the Hound, random Wildlings, die at the hands of the dead? Will Jon come face to face with the Night King? Can Arya shove Sansa’s head into a medieval toilet bowl? Can she murder Baelish already? Find out next week on an all new Game of Thrones!