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Game of Thrones Recap: ‘The Spoils of War’

Photo Credit: HBO

The great thing about Game of Thrones now is we don’t have to wait 90 episodes for anything to happen and people to move. Remember Daenerys journeying across that desert for like 2 seasons? Yeah, I hated it to, so hooray for fast forward Game of Thrones because this might have been the best episode ever of this show if anything for the last fifteen minutes alone.

Oh, and HBO, I saw how early this episode ended so you’re not going to get off easy because this is going to be like fucking snow days and I expect to collect by the end of the season or this show. Now back to business and away we go:

Bronn: Sorry, SIR Bronn. I am torn with this guy because I like him. The great thing he has going for him is he would switch sides in a heartbeat but he’s on the wrong damn side and it’s irritating. Is Bronn only after a ton of money? YES! But he doesn’t ever lie about who he is and in the end, he always seems to do the “right” thing in the moment. However, in this moment it looks like he saved Jaime at the last minute and for that he clearly must die. And it’s not that he only MUST die, let’s face it, he’s not someone who will probably make it on this show. Honestly this just turned into me processing my Bronn feelings, sorry everyone. Therapy session over. So to recap: when you fuck with dragons, shoot arrows at their head, save the incestuous butthead…PETA and I don’t like you. This relationship is OVAH!

Iron Bank is Worse than Chase: Cersei is giving the Iron Bank all the money they owe, the Tyrell gold to be exact. Is that enough? Sure it is, but why not invest more money into other ventures? These people don’t even give out pens or calendars. Run Cersei! Run!

Littlefinger’s Face is Bothering Me: Was it just me or did this guy just look at things the whole episode? Here’s a knife Bran…no response just faces. Oooo let me make faces with Sansa, oh look there’s Arya, more faces! We know you are an evil bastard and guess what? So does everyone else on this show so hopefully you get put on a list and die a slow agonizing death. And side note, if I have to hear how much he loved Catelyn I will dress up as Lady Stoneheart and show up to set if he’s not dead by the end of the season.

Bran Would Be Unlikable on Twin Peaks and That Show Is Supposed to be Weird: Before anyone argues with me, I have every right to say this because I watch Twin Peaks. Maybe I am confused, but I don’t remember the other Three Eyed Raven guy being a total dick. Again, maybe I missed it or we got that guy on a good day? Littlefinger gives Bran the dagger that almost killed him, but no human response. He’s so creepy he creeped out the resident creepy Baelish. His conversation with Meera is beyond amazing, I mean the dialogue alone is stunning,

Meera: Bye I am leaving you.
Bran: …Yeah bye
Meera: That’s it? Really? All those people died for you? Like thanks? Like cut me a check? Can I get a hug?
Bran: … No? …. And thanks!

Obviously, I know this wasn’t the exact conversation, let’s be real and say BRAN IS AN ASSHOLE AND I FINALLY GOT MEERA ON MY SIDE. She thinks he died in the cave, and I think he died after the first season when he stopped being interesting. Enough with Bran anyways, because our favorite Stark is home!

The HBIC of Winterfell is Back: Arya is home! The basic bitches known as Bran and Sansa need to move aside and let the rightful queen take her place. Arya hugs Sansa twice…let’s hope she showers soon after. Their reunion is kind of awkward because neither is telling much about what they’ve been through and where they have been because let’s face it: it’s fucking depressing. Sansa lets her know Bran is also back, and I am assuming they cut out the part where she tells her he is now a sociopath. Bran shows a bit more feelings when he sees Arya, clearly indicating she is the favorite sister. He shows them the dagger, made of Valyrian steel, and he gives it to Arya since he’s a “cripple.” Why would Littlefinger give him the dagger? You would think since Bran knows “EVERYTHING” he would know that Baelish is the one behind his family getting screwed over, but nope. Guess Three Eyes Ravens don’t see that stuff? Waste of damn time! Brienne is happy to see the reunion, and Arya wants to train with her. By train I mean, almost kill Brienne about 4 times. Brienne is impressed, and would like to know what supplements or human growth hormone Arya is taking. They then proceed to give Littlefinger stink eye which means just maybe he might get put on THE LIST.

Anyone Else Hoping Dany and Jon Hooked Up in the Cave: It did not happen, and I was sad. Jon shows Dany the dragonglass and drawings on the cave walls. It shows the marks made by the Children of the Forest and how they teamed with man to defeat the White Walkers. Did anyone else think Davos might have run in before they got there and drew those pictures? I mean the White Walkers had blue eyes, who had a blue crayon back then? Well don’t worry everyone, Dany will help Jon…when he bends that knee! The damn knee thing again is keeping these two apart. He should just marry her that way his people have to accept her. Good plan, go Mandy, I will start the registry. Jon does not think his people will follow her, but again: See Mandy’s marriage plan. Thanks!

What No One is Talking About: Davos has one hell of a crush on Missandei. Let’s not gloss over this, it may be important one day! Also, no such thing as bastards in Naath. The more you know…. Oh and Davos is aware that Jon likes Dany…just sayin’

Theon: Still fucking alive, and reunites with Jon who will not kill him because he saved Sansa. Let’s just give him the Iron Throne because maybe that way someone will FINALLY KILL THIS DIPSHIT!

SUPER DUPER EXTRAORDINARY ENDING: Dany is less than thrilled to find out from Tyrion that all of her allies are gone. Jon advises that she not burn the Red Keep and melt an entire city because she would be no different than anyone else before her. Cut to the Lannister army getting absolutely destroyed by the Dothraki and Dany riding Drogon. It is quite possibly the best action sequence since the Battle of Blackwater on this show. Bronn is forced to use the catapult, because Jaime cannot man it with one hand. Jaime looks on in horror as Dany has Drogon burn his men to death. That dragon will need an antacid because he set just about everything on fire. Bronn shoots Drogon, but it was not a game changing injury. Drogon angrily destroys the catapult machine, with Bronn just getting away. Dany attempts to pull the arrow from Drogon, and as she does this Jaime decides it’s the best moment to charge her with a spear. To quote Tyrion as he watches the events unfold: Jaime is a “fucking idiot.” Dany turns to see Jaime approaching, and then Drogon turns and is about to set Jaime on fire, when someone (probably Bronn) pushes Jaime into the river. The best part about this is we got to watch Jaime sink to the bottom because he has all that armor on, and that freaking gold hand. If only this meant he would die because bye bitch, you don’t go after the QUEEN OF THE MOTHERFUCKING DRAGONS! DRACARYSSSSS!

Next week on Game of Thrones: Is Drogon seriously hurt? Is Jaime alive? How will Cersei react when she finds out the Lannister army was pretty much destroyed? Will Jon get a warm welcome home? Am I going to cry when he is reunited with Arya, his favorite sister of all time? OMG YES I AM AND I CANNOT WAIT! Join me next week for an all new Game of Thrones!

Amanda Drago
Amanda Drago is a writer at TVSource Magazine. Also known as “Hot Mess Mandy”, she's fan of sarcasm and snark with a Bachelor’s Degree in handling the “cray” and a Masters in real talk. Huge fan of soaps, reality TV, and really any well written show that can handle her short attention span. Usually the trashier the show, the better. Follow her on Twitter at @HotMessMandy

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