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Here we are for the finale of the greatest show on earth. I am emotionally exhausted after tonight’s episode so please do not be shocked by any emotional outbursts and/or any fits of rage and happiness. Warning: this recap may include side effects such as depression, uncontrollable laughter, temporary blindness, anger, shock, tears, more laughter, narcolepsy, and diarrhea. Hopefully not that last one, but I just wanted to cover all my bases. So, let’s look at tonight’s episode since we will have nothing to do until 2019:
Warning AGAIN! These are spoilers so you’d have better watched the episode before continuing because you about to be spoiled!
What did I say? Are you a Bran fan? You shouldn’t even be here. GO WATCH THE EPISODE!
Let’s Just Deal with The Pedophile First: I won’t be going in order tonight because too much happened and I am overly excited that someone is finally dead. Sansa learns that Jon bent the knee (finally!) to Queen Dany, and Littlefinger explains that he’s predicting a Dany/Jon wedding like the rest of us! He thinks Sansa should lead the North, but she knows Arya won’t go for it. He basically suggests in his way of whispering like a creeper that Arya wants to be Lady of Winterfell. Okay Zack Morris TIME OUT. Arya and Lady shouldn’t even be in the same sentence. His plan here sucks. Is Sansa an idiot and easy to take advantage of? Yep! But trying to get her to go against Arya for the reasons stated are totally idiotic. Sansa calls Arya to the Great Hall, but accuses Baelish of murder and treason. He tries to defend himself and denies killed Jon Arryn, or their aunt. They are aware Ned was killed due to his shenanigans and that this ENTIRE SHOW IS HIS FAULT! Bran could see the conversation with Ned when Baelish handed him his dagger. Sansa has learned a great deal from him, but the playa got played! She knew he was trying to turn family against family, and his nerdy I love you begging got him nowhere because she orders Arya to kill him. Arya cuts his throat and that was way too fast and I would have liked a torture scenario. Am I sad he’s gone? Nope I was done with his ass five seasons ago. Am I disappointed in his death? Yeah kinda. I have zero issue with Arya slitting his throat, but I think getting outsmarted by Sansa is the most insulting thing anyone would ever have to endure. The sisters bond about how they are murdering sociopaths now, and aww their parents would be proud. Now the Night King is headed their way, and fingers crossed he stabs Sansa with some dragonglass and takes her as his wife.
Did Theon Need 10 Minutes of Storyline to Himself This Episode: Nope. Really did not. You still cannot get me to give an absolute shit about him. He’s going to save Yara and he beat up a guy to prove himself. You know who gives a shit? Absolutely no one. He also still doesn’t have a penis and it worked to his advantage this one time in his life. Thanks again for wasting time, it gave us all a chance to go to the bathroom since this episode was extra-long. Good luck Yara, he will probably soil himself saving you. Also, his bonding moment with Jon where we remember he went against Ned and his real family, yep WE HATE HIM! Jon can forgive him, but I cannot so just like with fetch, stop trying to make Theon happen!
That Big Old Meeting That Ended Up Being Lies, ALLLLLLL LIES: Everyone gets together for a little pow wow session. We have some cute reunions, Bronn and Tyrion obviously love each other, Brienne tells Hound that Arya is alive and he gets feelings, and then Cersei telling the Mountain to kill everyone should they attack her and in what order. Adorable! The Hound sees the Mountain, and since his brother is a zombie that entire conversation was a waste of time. Dany arrives late on a dragon and Cersei looks horrified Dany made a better entrance. Also, Dany is wearing Alexander McQueen and Cersei is mad she couldn’t get a dress commissioned. Euron threatens to kill Yara unless Theon submits, and why is the pirate boy allowed to talk? Jaime and Cersei are even like shut the fuck up and have a seat. Jon speaks about the dead, Cersei thinks it’s all a load of bullshit, and then the Hound opens a box. The wight in the box makes a beeline towards Cersei but unfortunately he’s chained to the box. She looks like she might have pooped in that atrocious leather outfit. Jon explains fire and dragonglass can kill them, and Euron is like PEACE! He decides to exit stage left and go home where the dead people cannot find him. Cersei will accept a truce if Jon pledges to stay in the North and not take arms against the Lannisters. Jon explains that he is already Dany’s bitch. Annnddd Cersei is done with this conversation. But it doesn’t matter because as we come to find out later, everything she said in this entire meeting is absolute bullshit, but we will get to that later…
Imp the Pimp: Guess who has to fix fucking everything? Tyrion wishes Jon would have lied and left out the part where he is already pledged to Dany. Jon didn’t want to break a vow or lie. Tyrion speaks to his sister alone, and wow does she hate him. Murdering Tywin ruined her entire life and she thinks that is what killed her children. I’m pretty sure she pissed off everyone and that’s why her kids are dead, but semantics. He orders her to kill him but she cannot bring herself to do it. Really? Why? Too easy? He explains he loved her kids, but she doesn’t care about his feelings. She subtly shows she’s pregnant and Tyrion stopped listening to her and focused on how grossed out he is by the thought of her being pregnant. Yep, we are all grossed out.
Brienne and Jaime: He’s just not that into you, you did not share a womb.
Dany Keeps Talking About Not Being Able To Get Pregnant: …….which means she will get pregnant next season. This has got to be the worst foreshadowing ever written because we’ve had 4 episodes now where we keep talking about this. WE GET IT SHE GETS PREGNANT SOON!
Cersei is IN…But She’s a Pathological Liar #SorryNotSorry: Cersei pledges her army and they will march North to help with the war. She hopes that when the war is over they remember that she helped them. Yay!! But it’s all a sack of horseshit, and she tells Jaime later that there will not be any truce. Jaime is appalled because he swore to fight, and Cersei explains that he is dumb and she is not going to help anyone. They can claim back their lands while everyone dies, and their child will rule. Jaime explains that they cannot win, and Cersei says the whole thing was LIESSSSSSS! Cersei says they will buy the Golden Company’s services and that is where Euron ran off to. So Euron is not a coward, he just went to go buy some mercenaries. Jaime is pissed he wasn’t informed, and she’s still mad he helped Tyrion and doesn’t really trust her brother lover. The Mountain blocks him from leaving, and Jaime walks off disgusted knowing Cersei won’t have him killed, but saddened she is batshit cray. He adjusts his hand, and leaves for the North…in the snow. Yes, it’s snowing in King’s Landing. And Donald Trump claims global warming ain’t real…..girrlllllllllll.
Photo Credit: Helen Sloan/HBO
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS: It’s decided Dany will sail with Jon to Winterfell. On this boat, Jon knocks on Dany’s door. She answers the door. While this is happening, Sam arrives at Winterfell and spills some Jon Snow ain’t a bastard tea. Bran explains that Jon is really Aegon Targaryen. Sam says, guess what they were married and he isn’t a bastard, so Jon Snow is the HEIR TO THE IRON THRONE! We have to hear Bran narrating this all while Jon and Dany are having boat sex. Yes, the sex I have been waiting for had Bran narration included……….almost killed the lady boner. Tyrion is upset in the hallway that they are having sex, but screw it YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! I’m not sure if he has a feeling they are related or if he’s sad because it won’t end well. Well guess what? She having her nephew’s baby bitch! They didn’t grow up with each other, share a womb, or even know they are related AND YES I AM DEFENDING INCEST BECAUSE THEY ARE PRETTY AND I LIKE IT DAMMIT!
Bran is Worse Than The Psychic Friends Network: They were entertaining and I bet their guesses proved more useful than his visions. Bran sees that Rhaegar and Lyanna were married, and Jon Snow is not a bastard. That’s great. Meanwhile the Night King murdered a dragon and is now flying around on it….didn’t see that did you? How about seeing Cersei’s betrayal? Nope hasn’t seen that yet either. Okay. What’s next week’s Powerball numbers Bran? Yep didn’t think so! Guess who starts warging at the end? Oh, yeah Bran and guess what he sees when he finally decides to tap into something useful? The Night King. On the DRAGON near Eastwatch. Tormund and Beric see the dead approaching and call for retreat as the dragon breathes blue fire. The Night King destroys the entire wall. Like it’s amazing to see that huge impressive wall just crumble, and when the snow settles, the dead proceed forward. Where are they marching to first and are all the men at the wall dead?
The season is over and we are left with more questions! When will Jon find out his name is really Aegon? I mean that sucks! Sorry to anyone named Aegon reading this, but your name sucks! How will Dany feel that she is continuing the family tradition of keeping it in the family? Will she be pregnant with nephew babies? Why was Tyrion so upset by their love affair? Will Cersei lose her baby or was I right that she just has a cyst or HPV because Jaime doesn’t look clean? Is Tormund alive? Will Bran do anything useful whatsoever? WHO WILL DIE? BECAUSE ALMOST EVERYONE WILL PROBABLY DIE?! Find out next season, the FINAL season of Game of Thrones!
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