The wait is finally over, we are now on the final season of HBO’s Game of Thrones, which is, let’s face it — the BEST SHOW ON TELEVISION. Come for me. I don’t care. I am on a television high. The season is shorter and the episodes are longer and if you are not caught up STOP READING NOW….FINAL WARNING because away we go!
Game of Thrones Recap: “Winterfell”
Episode 801 | Airdate: April 14, 2019
Dany + Jon = No One Cursss You Related
He wearing all black, she wearing all white and the duo just strolls up to Winterfell like they already know they the hottest people there. They actually are the hottest people there because those townfolk are all scowling and looking extra dirty and hairy.
The North is mad that Dany is there, and it’s because she has great hair. She shuts them down with her flying dragons and her smug I am better than all of you because I not only ride dragons, I ride Jon Snow face. The duo do ride dragons together and it is absolutely adorable even though Jon looked like he might have shit his pants. Regardless they kiss by the waterfall and wish that everyone loved them as much as we do.
I Still Hate Bran
Nothing changed. He even stole my job and gave a recap to Dany and Jon that the Wall came down and the dragon belongs to the Night King. Way to make me hate you even more. At least I have consistently hated the dork for years now.
Fangirl of the Episode
This award goes to Arya because she gave a facial yay and nay for everyone she saw arrive at Winterfell. It went like this. Jon: Yayyyyyy, Dany: Mehhhh Hound: boooo I thought I killed the Motherfucker. Gendry: Oh hey boy heyyyyyyyy. Dragons: awwwww shit.
Bitter Bitch of the Episode
I think basically this award is Sansa’s to lose for the entire show let alone this one episode of the final season. I have never been a fan and if she is the last person standing I think I would demand a recount. She all pissy Dany is there and is better looking. She’s pissed Jon clearly got some lovey dovey googly eyes for Dany. My question: if the Dragons are not eating can we offer up Sansa? I mean maybe they need some rich bitch to eat.
Most Likely to Have Contracted a STI This Episode
It was going to be a draw between Bronn and Cersei until Bronn’s threesome got interrupted. Cersei slept with Euron. The sex was so great Cersei had to mention that she’s still pissed the Golden Company didn’t bring elephants to King’s Landing. Euron thinks he will fill Cersei with a prince. Me thinks he filled her with syphilis. Cersei may be excited the Dead are approaching Winterfell but will she still think so when her pee burns. Nope!
Family Reunions All Around
Jon finally reunited with Bran and Arya. Bran is still a motionless zombie boy with no personality so that was meaningless. Arya and Jon embrace and it was all cute until she called Sansa smart. That made me queasy. I will admit Sansa has come a long way but she’s still arrogant and I HATE HER OKAY?! Arya and Jon compare swords, but wait until he sees her murdering people left and right, that will be fun!
Sansa reunited with her first husband Tyrion. Who doesn’t love reuniting with the first guy you marry after your second dies a horrible well deserving death? She thinks he is stupid to trust Cersei, and yes it’s the dumbest thing Tyrion has ever done. Theon also reunited with Yara when he rescued her. She punched the worthless troll but was happy that her brother had finally found his “balls” so to speak and let him go to Winterfell to probably die. I don’t think I am spoiling anything by guessing correctly the troll will most likely die a noble death saving his real family.
Now is A Bad Time To Buy In the North
Most of our characters are there or headed there and boy is it not the place to be living right now. The Northerners are all pissed off Jon gave up his crown to Dany. They don’t have food. Poor Jaime gets there at the end and the first thing he sees is Bran — the kid he pushed off a tower. I mean who wants to live there?
The little Lord of Umber dies and Tormund and the Night Watch have to head there because the dead will be there by the next episode. The Dragons even hate it. Cold goat is not a good meal. But I will say if Davos, Tyrion and Varys plan a Dany/Jon wedding like they intend, the winter theme would be gorgeous.
Most Touching Moment
I could go with Gendry realizing Arya is a woman now and being like hey I will forge stuff for you, but no! I am going to go with the Hound seeing Arya and calling her a cold little bitch. They are relationship goals.
Jon Knows Something
From knowing nothing to knowing something and it only took 8 seasons! Sam tells Jon he is Aegon Targaryen because Bran is a huge butt and says not my brother, not my problem. Yes, you are the true heir to the Iron Throne. Yes, you are sleeping with your aunt. Yes, everyone is pissed off at you and is listening to your bitch sister aka cousin instead. Yes, the White Walkers are in the next town over. Molly you in danger girlllll! And you thought the dragon ride made you soil yourself.
What will Jon do with this new information? Will he tell Dany? Will Bran just keep staring aimlessly at everyone? Will Jaime get his balls chopped off since everyone in Winterfell hates him? Will the White Walkers finally arrive and starting killing errbody?
Find out next week on an all new episode!!