I knew going into episode four of Game of Thrones‘ final season that “The Last of the Starks” it would never live up to the previous — and I was right. After the tense, epic battle of “The Longest Night,” I am annoyed; I think this show does this on purpose because they like torturing us then rewarding us with a good episode, so next week should be great!
[Editor’s Note: This article contains major spoilers for Game of Thrones season 8, episode 4.]
Game of Thrones Recap: “The Last of the Starks”
Season 8, Episode 4 | Airdate: May 5, 2019
Dead Bodies: Jorah and Theon looked pasty on their funeral pyres. We saw the devastation of last week’s battle as the group mourns the death of their friends. Dany kisses Jorah, because of course she’ll finally touch him now that he is dead. Sansa cries over Theon and leaves him with the Stark sigil. Jon gives a eulogy asking that we keep the dead alive in our memories. Then everyone gets lit on fire. Ok enough of that, cue the party where everyone gets wasted, play drinking games, and have random hook ups!
Lord Gendry: The boy done grown up and is now the Lord of Storm’s End. Seeing as he’s the only living Baratheon, Dany makes Gendry legitimate and he becomes Lord Gendry Baratheon. Gendry tells Arya the good news, tells her he loves her and proposes. Arya of course says no because she’ll never be the lady of anything. As much as I understand this and knew Arya would turn him down, boooooo they cute together when they aren’t naked so this made me a little sad.
Most Disappointing Hookup: While it’s kinda sad Brienne is still a virgin and Arya wasn’t, Brienne did lose her virginity tonight but SLEPT WITH THE WRONG PERSON! I have never been a Jamie and Brienne shipper and I never will be. Pass. Sorry! Booooo!
Tormund is wasted and is upset to see Brienne going to her room, and Jaime following. Yeah because she made the wrong choice. Think of the giant babies that could have happened. Tormund hooked up with a random Northern girl instead, but he was clearly heartbroken. Brienne and Jaime hook up, and he looks confused to be having sex with someone other than his sister. Jaime ditches Brienne in the end, and heads to King’s Landing when he realizes Cersei is in danger. Brienne begs him to stay and that he’s a good man. He lists all the bad crap he’s done and makes it clear all the crying won’t stop him. Brienne is heartbroken and she’s set female knights back a quarter of a century.
Bran: Still the most disappointing and fucking useless character on the show. DO SOMETHING USEFUL!
Dany, You in Danger Girl: So, the Dany really sucks and they’ve made her kinda sketchy story arc continues!! How great!! Dany sees everyone cheering on Jon and Jaime happy and she looks like she’s having a moment. Varys notices and perks up at the fact she looks annoyed at everyone not paying attention to her. Dany tells Jon she still loves him, and who cares about being related?
He pulls away and she wishes he never told her. He promises she is the Queen, but she never wants him revealing who he is. Jon wants to tell Sansa and Arya, but she begs him not to, and he says we can all just get along. She transitions from girlfriend to bitch mode and says I already told you what to do…and I can no longer handle her borderline personality disorder. Jon is a pussy so he pledges his allegiance like 8 times, and Sansa is annoyed. If Dany had just taken her Klonopin she’d make better decisions.
Stark Family Meeting: Do you think Bran is the chair of the meeting? Bad joke? Sorry I couldn’t pass it up. The girls don’t trust Dany because they can tell she’s a deranged psycho bitch. Jon makes them swear to keep a secret, and they swear. So Sansa goes and tells Tyrion, who tells Varys and WHY DO PEOPLE STILL LIKE SANSA?! The Hound should have punched her in the face instead of reminding us of her character progression as a stalling plot device! Talk about a waste of 2 minutes of this episode.
Random Stuff That Happened Quickly: I know this show is ending, but way to pile and finish up some story lines in the matter of ten minutes.
Couldn’t they have done this with the Dead walking to the North for 8 seasons? Bronn confronts Tyrion and Jaime and they agree to give him Highgarden if they all survive. Bronn is like done and leaves them alone. The Hound and Arya leave for King’s Landing because they have unfinished business. Neither expect to return to Winterfell. Thanks, I cannot wait to look forward to their deaths. Appreciate the support HBO!
Tormund leaves to go back to Castle Black with the Wildlings, and Jon asks him to take his direwolf. I am just happy he is alive! Gilly is pregnant, Jon and Davos leave for King’s Landing, and HOW IS THIS ALL HAPPENING SO FAST?! Happy Tormund is alive, but there better be a flash forward where we see him surrounded by 80 red headed kids.
How Did They Get to King’s Landing so Fast?! Seriously there is the suspension of disbelief, but what kind of time machine did they take to get there in the next scene? Euron is there waiting for them and kills Rhaegal in front of a horrified Dany. Dany flees and her ships are destroyed and Missandei is captured. Cersei is winning…..
Mega Bitch Fest of Westeros: It’s clearly going to be bitch against bitch next week but we got to see the preview this episode.
Cersei tells Euron she’s pregnant with his child and surrounds herself with innocent people as she lets the people stay in the Red Keep. Cersei does love to cause innocent deaths to save her own ass. Varys begs Dany not to destroy King’g Landing, but she’s done with listening to anyone at this point. Varys and Tyrion discuss putting Jon on the throne, and now Varys is no longer on Team Dany. He doesn’t think a wedding will fix matters, and does not think Dany will be a good Queen. Tyrion pleads his case but Varys will always do what’s best for him.
Tyrion addresses Cersei after failing to get anywhere with Qyburn and pleads with Cersei that she is not a monster. He knows she loved her children and begs her to not risk her and her baby’s life. She has the Mountain behead Missandei in retaliation, thus declaring war. And prepare for the MEGA BITCH FEST!!!!
Will we see a winner next week between Dany and Cersei? How many more characters will die? Will Jon save Dany when he arrives? Will Euron finally die because he looks like an emo pirate? Will Jaime side with Cersei? Find out next week on an all new Game of Thrones!