“Home,” the second episode of Game of Thrones’ season six, was far superior to the lackluster premiere. A lot happened in the episode, which saw the return of Bran and the Three-Eyed Raven and a surprise resurrection!
Before diving into the meat of the episode, I have to issue a public announcement to start this week. Is it too much for a TV show that’s supposed to start at 9PM actually start at 9PM????!?! DEAR HBO, STOP TROLLING US! An hour show shouldn’t be starting at 9:05 and then ending early. Stop it!
Whatchu Talkin’ About Wylis
Hodor’s name is Wylis and he used to talk. Shut. The. Front. Door. Present day Hodor is still Hodoring, but Bran is now able to time travel with the Three Eyed Raven to his father’s childhood. We got to see young Ned Stark, Lyanna, Benjen, and the Hodor. Why couldn’t Bran have gotten cooler years ago? Homeboy was always boring, and praise the Lord of Light he might be interesting now. I said “might be” so calm down. Meera is clearly bored, which has always been me with Bran’s storyline. However, this new warg training might come in handy for the future or the past, because yay to flashbacks of all the dead people.
Make King’s Landing Great Again!
Over in King’s Landing, it is the Liberals vs. Conservatives. Actually it’s the incestuous weirdos versus the Scientologists, but same difference at this point. Tommen bans Cersei from Myrcella’s funeral for her own protection. Great plan Tommen, make your psycho mommy even madder. Jaime points out this was a dumb idea, and Tommen admits he is completely useless. He’s so useless you just know he is going to die at some point this season.
Jaime confronts the High Sparrow and Jaime is outnumbered, so he doesn’t kill the guy who used to narrate the Infinity commercials. Seriously that’s all I think about when he is onscreen. So Scientologists are winning right now, and it looks like they are on the verge of auditing Jaime. Tommen apologizes to his mom, and then basically gives her complete power. GREATEST IDEA EVER! Fingers crossed she just sends the Zombie Mountain over to the Sept to kill all those dumb nuns and monks. #FreeMargaery and end this dumb ass storyline already.
Imp the Pimp Gotz Dragon Skillz
Tyrion basically inherited all of Dany’s shit. The Meereen fleet no longer exists, and all of the places Dany journeyed to have been taken back by slavers. So all that work she did in six season, POOF gone, waste of damn time. To top off all of this, teenage mutant ninja dragons are not eating. He goes to visit them and does really well for a first timer. When he was little he always wanted a dragon, studied dragons, and he gets to pet them. Tyrion frees them from their chains, and they seem to respond well to him…um spoiler alert? Is that Tyrion being a secret Targaryen theory true? Maybe Tyrion is the third person in that prophecy Dany heard back in the earlier seasons?! Maybe, maybe not, but here’s hoping my favorite drunk genius doesn’t die.
Arya Stark. Still Blind and Getting her ass kicked. #SheisNoOne #JaquenBacon #ThatRhymed. Location change: Not a Beggar in the streets. Heyyyy.
Girl Talk by the Fire
Brienne gives Sansa the news that Arya is alive, and she wasn’t dressed like a lady. Really Brienne, you going there? She asks Sansa what happened in Winterfell, and instead of turning the conversation into therapy she just says she made a mistake turning down Brienne. Instead of letting this convo get even more serious, she gets up and decides to talk to the guy with no penis. That would always make me feel better too. Theon is going to leave them, because he doesn’t ever want to be forgiven for all the crap he did. He wants to suffer, as he should, so he is going to go home….How is that a punishment? Is it the constant fish meals? I don’t get it…
We Have to Start Caring About Pyke Now?
UGH. I don’t like these people. Is it just me or do they all look like they smell worse than the rest of the people on the show? I think it’s the whole sea thing and all the fishing, but I don’t like any of them and they are gross. Balon and Yara argue over what to do next. Basically they suck at war unless it’s in the sea. Yara just wants to chill and live the island life. Balon is a prick and says no….now we know where Theon gets it from. We thankfully don’t have to deal with Balon long, because his brother decides to kill him on a random bridge between two of the towers. Well thanks for speeding that up? If you think this means Yara is Queen, you be wrong, because that’s not how things are done on the Island. This is why people get freaked out by Islanders man, they all have these weird rules. Yara has to fight for the crown. I’m sure like every other chick on this show, she’ll get screwed over somehow, especially when Theon is back. If he becomes King, I’ll sue the show. If he just shows up, helps his sister, and has her help Sansa……I’ll be okay with all of that. Then I’ll sue for them stealing my idea.
Bolton Baby Shower
Apparently dogs can attend baby showers. Before I rush into it, let’s review the news in Winterfell. Ramsay lost Sansa, so the Bolton hold on the North is like ehhh, but they do have the Karstarks on their side. Karstark is soooo beneath Stark though, let’s be real. Ramsay proposes they kill Jon Snow (bloop too late) since Sansa is headed that way. Roose isn’t amused because it’s a dumb idea, but before he can say anything else he finds out he has a new baby boy!! I hope they name in Michael. Ramsay looks like he threw up in his mouth, and Roose tells him he is still his firstborn. Awwww all warm and fuzzies, until Ramsay stabs his father in the stomach after they hug. Roose Bolton, that asshole who killed Robb Stark, is finally dead, and wow was it too fast. Ramsay wants it announced that Roose was poisoned by their enemies, and he is now Lord Bolton. If we didn’t hate Ramsay enough for being the Westeros serial killer who made Joffrey seem nice, he kills his stepmom and new baby brother. He doesn’t just kill them though, he feeds them to his dogs…..WHAT A LOVELY WAY TO DIE! Couldn’t he just have tossed the baby from the roof? I feel like that would have been less painless. JFC, why do those dogs like him so much?
HUGE SURPRISE, NOT
Yeah Jon is alive, told ya so. At least I was wrong about making us wait 4-6 episodes because that would have not been a good look for him. Side note: Yes I knew this, but I have to add that Kit Harrington and the writers were really bad at lying. Like sucky bad, and thankfully they can stop lying. But let’s flashback to the beginning of the episode. Davos and Jon’s men are prepared to fight Thorne, but the Wildlings come through and save the day. They don’t kill anyone, they just disarm some people, and the Night’s Watch voluntarily surrenders. Except Thorne and that little troll Olly. Can we string Olly up? I hate him. Alas, they are not killed, just arrested for killing Jon. Tormund pays his respects to Jon, and suggests they burn him for proper burial. When I heard this I actually thought they might go with the rising from the ashes route, but they did not!
Melisandre is not looking like her gross old self anymore, but she’s graduated to Debbie Downer. Davos visits her and asks her to bring Jon back from the dead. Sure, now you like her! Melisandre has lost her faith in herself and the Lord of Light. She’s been wrong about everything, and Davos just says “fuck it!” DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?! Because Davos does, and he has faith in Melisandre. It was like two weeks ago their time that he hated her so what a turnaround! So this bitch gets the greatest job ever and starts cleaning Jon’s body. She cuts his hair, she trims the beard, does some fire thingamajig, and says some fancy shit in Valyrian. Nothing happens. They all leave Jon alone, and approximately five seconds later he wakes up. DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN!
Will Jon be a different person when he wakes up? Or is he still Jon Snow? Did he go to heaven and they said gee it’s getting overcrowded with all you dead people? Will the dragons leave their cave or will their anorexia continue? Find out next week on an all new Game of Thrones!