Break out your snow parkas, kids because we are going to climb over a mountain full of cold ass boring this week on Game of Thrones! Before you get all nervous, was this a terribly boring episode? Yes. Is it building to some amazing stuff that will happen in the near future? Yes, so do not worry.
Can there be a rule that we never start or end episodes with Fat Sam? Seriously it should be a rule. He also cannot sing so cut the crap with that. Also, since I am not completely stupid…the fact that he will most likely get with this girl he saved…clearly this show is a fantasy, because in real life…No.
To make matters worse, we are forced to see Bran Muffin after Fat Sam. Clearly we are all being punished for expecting this show to rule every week. Osha and the Reed girl get into a fight while they are skinning rabbits. Just when it is about to get interesting Bran Muffin the fuck up once again strikes and breaks up the fight. IT WAS GETTING GOOD! Then Jojen has a dream that Jon is surrounded by his enemies on the other side of the Wall. For a seer, he left out the part where it was snowing and Jon was having hot springs sex. Like at least sum up the good parts. This group can get lost in the woods for all eternity at this point.
So the Wildlings are preparing to climb that huge glacier of a Wall. Poor Jon Snow is scurred. You slept with a redhead…anything after that should not be scary. You’ve gone where most people do not go…into a red vagina. Man up! The ginger bitch is a crafty one and she lets Jon know that she knows that he is pretending to not be a crow anymore. HOWEVER, she knows that he will be loyal to her now that he is p***y-whipped. Yes I am paraphrasing, but basically that is the deal here. If he betrays her, she will cut his dick off and wear it around her neck….People on this show really love to wear dismembered body parts as jewelry. Now if you think climbing a big old glacier wall is easy, you would be mistaken, folks. Jon keeps slipping, it’s windy, and that ginger bearded dude is so big you would think the glacier would crack in half already.
Eventually, we have a semi avalanche situation going on. You scream, I scream, we all scream for ice flying every fucking way. To prevent himself from dying, the super thin warg, who was in Pirates of the Caribbean, cuts the rope holding Ygritte and Jon. Jon is able to swing himself onto a snow ledge and save himself and unfortunately the ginger bitch. Finally they climb to the top and start to make out….what can I say, near death snow avalanche scenarios make these two horny. Anyone else as excited as I am about the NO SNOW beyond the Wall? HELLO, SUMMER CLOTHING! Let’s get these bitches in some sandals.
Little head bitch in charge Arya is practicing at the crossbow. Hopefully she gets to kill someone she constantly lists over and over again with the damn crossbow. Then guess who just strolls right up in their camp….ANOTHER RED HEAD BITCH, Melisandre. Seriously, this show has an anti-red head agenda…and I am all for it. This bitch is like a Jehovah’s Witness going horse to horse spreading the Lord of Light stuff. We get it, he’s fabulous! For someone with all the answers, Mel (she lets me call her that) is confused as to why Beric has been brought back to life six times, and why Thoras is able to do that. If you are soooooo close to the Lord of Light why don’t you know the answer to all this crap? MMMHMM. I am sensing a fake Sylvia Browne thing going on.
The Brotherhood without Balls are nasty assholes and they give up Gendry, whom Mel has asked for. Remember last week when she said she needed King’s blood? Well Gendry is Robert’s bastard so there you have it. Arya is pissed because NO ONE touches her man. She calls Mel a witch, and Mel grabs her face…annoyingly the way my uncle used to at family functions, squishing my cheeks until they hurt. Hopefully, he is reading this article RIGHT NOW….Stop it. Melisandre tells Arya that she sees a darkness in her, she will wear many colored eyes, and they will meet again. Couldn’t hit a bitch up with lotto numbers though couldn’t you?
Theon is in an episode of Westeros Horror Story. He is being tortured by a pathological liar into some S&M, without the S yet. We will keep an eye on this story and the future body parts Theon may lose when this story develops. Until then, back to you, Game of Thrones.
Robb’s only chance at winning the war is aligning with the Frey family. Robb pissed the Freys off when he went back on his promise of marrying one of the Frey daughters. The Freys demand an apology from Robb, Harrenhal, and for Edmure (Robb’s uncle) to marry one of the daughters of their choosing. Edmure is not really thrilled because the Frey girls are notorious for being butt ugly freaks. Yes, that was the nicest way to put it. Robb explains the only way they will win this war is if they have this pact, and finally Edmure relents and consents to marry one of the hideous freaks. I personally hope it’s a bearded lady because we have not seen one of those yet on this show.
One handed Jaime is going home, ya’ll!!! Lord Bolton is going to send him on his merry way to his daddy, but Brienne is still a prisoner. Sorry about it, Brienne…and that color looks all wrong on you. Pastels do not work on her. We need to get her to a tanning bed and in a dress that is more….fitting.
NOW LET’S GET TO THE BEST PART OF THE DAMN EPISODE BECAUSE THE OLD LADY IS FUCKING FUNNY. I could really not contain my excitement as the Dowager Countess Jr. was in action this week fucking stealing the whole show once again. Tywin Lannister is forcing Lady Olenna to marry off Loras to Cersei. Olenna is all hell to the no because Cersei is old. Then she explains in the classiest way ever that Menopause is a serious bitch. Tywin brings up the fact that Loras is kinda sorta really freaking gay. She has known all along that he is gay, doesn’t care and even makes a “sword swallower” joke. I think we know who runs the Westeros chapter of PFLAG.
Tywin is disgusted that Lady Olenna thinks having gay orgies is natural. Side note: The Tyrells are totally Liberals and the Lannisters are Republicans. I am on to the real life parallels people! Lady Olenna then has to remind Tywin that if he thinks being gay is bad, how about all that incest going on under his roof? He thinks those rumors about his children are disgusting…whatever, Grandpa Pedophile, you probably would have taken Polaroids if cameras existed back then. Tywin threatens to force Loras to join the Kingsguard, which means no inheritance and no heir in his future. Olenna has no choice but to agree to let Cersei and Loras marry…..Loras is going to make a beautiful bride.
Speaking of that poor bastard…he has to sit with Sansa. He is all about party planning for the wedding! I think he might actually have a dress picked out for himself. Sansa is completely oblivious, and Tyrion and Cersei are watching the two together trying not to kill themselves. Both are miserable that they have to marry these two. Cersei suggests they kill them both….. Am I the only one who likes that idea and laughed? Tyrion finally brings up the pesky “hey did you try to have me killed” thing that was bothering him. Joffrey was behind the whole thing, and Tyrion thinks he is a total moron. He cannot even kill people properly. They discuss Jaime, and who will tell Sansa that she is royally fucked. Tyrion wins that honor. Honestly, loving scenes between Cersei and Tyrion. Scenes between these two are always great because of the conniving relationship they have and the way they banter and play off each other.
Varys and Baelish stare at the Iron throne. Does anyone else think that seat is ridiculous? Like it’s a serious tetanus shot situation waiting to happen. Baelish is thrilled that he ruined Varys plot to marry Sansa off to the Tyrell family. He knows that Ros was the informer, and he basically gave the poor girl to Joffrey to torture with his crossbow. Anyone else feel a little pukey when they saw the naked, bloody whore strung up like cattle? I should not have been eating during this episode. Oh yeah and Sansa is all crying and wah wah wah because she is not marrying the gay guy, but the dwarf. Listen….YOU HAVE BIGGER PROBLEMS. Creepy Man obsessed with sleeping with your mother is after you, you fool! Wake up! The dwarf is fun and will at least get you booze!
Will Jon and Yrgitte have sex in a warmer climate? Who will save Gendry from the evil red headed bitch? Are Sansa, Tyrion, Cersei and Loras having a double wedding? Say Yes to the Dress Loras!! Can Lady Olenna be on every week? Can someone smother Bran with a pillow already? Find out next week on an all new Game of Thrones.