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So here we are at the final episode of the season as we deal with the aftermath of the Red Wedding, and saw the setting up of some major storylines for season four.
As the Hound is trying to escape with Arya, they both see the body of Robb Stark desecrated. His wolf’s head has been sewn to his decapitated body. That seems a BIT MUCH after having killed his pregnant wife and mother, but at least Walder Frey didn’t sleep with the female corpses. I mean the dude is gross and pervy so it totally could have happened. As they are travelling, the Hound and Arya come across a group of men discussing their part in the Red Wedding.
One discusses how he had trouble sewing the wolf’s head to Robb’s body. Arya jumps off the horse and asks the man for some food. After they tell her to fuck off she offers them her iron coin. Last season Jaquen gave her that coin, so that she could find him again. As she drops the coin, she stabs the man repeatedly, and the Hound kills the other men around the campfire. The Hound requests that the next time she wants to kill someone, she should warn him first. Is it weird I find these two adorable? Will the Hound help Arya in her quest for revenge now?
Bran remains a basic little bitch. No seriously, I am discussing him next because I hate the little twerp, and Hodor needs to just sit on his head. He tells us about how wrong it is to kill a guest under one’s roof, yeah, no shit, Sherlock. Eventually, Sam and Gilly arrive because why wouldn’t the two most boring set of storylines ever intersect with one another?!?!?! Sam knows that he is Jon’s brother and offers to help him. Jojen and Bran are all about stopping the White Walkers, and even Sam is like hellll no you psychotic little brats.Maybe the White Walkers will want to kill themselves after meeting Bran and he will bore them to death.
Sam gives them the dragon glass that can kill the walkers, and helps Bran find the passage towards going beyond the Wall. Sam and Gilly end up at Castle Black and Maester Aemon is wondering how the hell Sam got laid. Gilly names the baby Sam, but Sam explains that the baby is not his, and that his ass is still a virgin. Aemon lets Gilly stay with them, and has Sam write that the Night’s Watch needs reinforcements.
Meanwhile Jon, with marks on his precious face from that warged out bird, ends up meeting Ygritte again. She catches up to him and he tells her that he loves her, but he has to go home. He knows that she will not hurt him, and since he knows absolutely nothing, that ginger bitch shoots him with her crossbow. GINGER.BITCH! DIE.DIE.DIE. Your tears mean nothing to me. Also, you have terrible aim; shooting him in the leg and back. Luckily Jon makes it to Castle Black, where Sam and crew bring Jon’s wounded body in for treatment. Will Ygritte and Jon meet again soon? We’ll see next season…..
Over in King’s Landing, Sansa and Tyrion plot to put poop in the beds of people they hate. No really. These two are also adorable in a creepy, it will never happen way, but Shae remains pressed and jealous. Pod interrupts them to get Tyrion for a meeting of the small council. Cersei, Tywin, Joffrey, Varys and that old dude all tell Tyrion that Robb Stark is dead. Joffrey wants to serve Sansa with Robb’s head…….EW. Joffrey better lose his testicles like Theon. Cersei is even like…..yeah no stop it.
Tyrion says that it will not happen and threatens Joffrey’s life. Joffrey unleashes his inner wailing baby and starts telling them that he is the king and they can all have a seat. He even insults Tywin, who reminds him that he wears the big boy pants and Joffrey is still in training Pampers. Tywin even has Cersei put Joffrey to bed because no one can stand this sniveling little asshole.
Tywin admits to Tyrion that he had Frey kill the Starks to end the war, making Frey look bad, while the Lannisters look good. Tyrion thinks the Northerners will never forget this, and Tywin could care less. Roose Bolton now controls the North until Tyrion has an heir. Tyrion will not rape Sansa, but Tywin says he has a responsibility to produce an heir for their family. Tyrion does not understand his father, and his father throws in a nice little story about how he almost drowned him as a child.
Instead, he let him live because he was still his son. Tyrion goes to see Sansa, but the poor girl is crying because really her life sucks balls. Can Sansa’s situation get any worse? I would never spoil future storyline, but this bitch has the worst luck in the world. That’s all I am saying.
Walder Frey is celebrating the fact that he threw the worst wedding ever. He is now the Lord of Riverrun, and is all impressed with how well his planned slaughter of the Stark family went AND he gets to pick up a new wife! Roose tells Frey about how the North is his, that Robb never listened to him, and that his son Ramsay has Theon captured. He seems proud of the fact his bastard son tortures people for funsies. Ramsay is eating a pork sausage in front of a peenless Theon…………..I never thought I would ever write a sentence like this in my life so cross that off a bucket list.
Don’t worry; the sausage was really a sausage and not Theon’s penis, Ramsay was nice enough to clarify. Theon just wants to die without his penis, but Ramsay says no way because who doesn’t love torturing Theon? He decides to rename Theon because that is the name of a lord. His new name is Reek. Theon insists his name is Theon, but Ramsay starts beating him into saying his name is Reek. My personal opinion….both names suck.
Theon’s dad gets a letter from Ramsay telling him he needs to pull all his men from the North or he will send along more of Theon’s parts. Yes, Ramsay mailed Theon’s family his cut off penis. I wonder if this is where the term “package” came from. Balon could care less and does not really want to retreat or help Theon. Now that Theon cannot produce an heir, he thinks Theon is a lost cause. His sister Yara goes against her father’s wishes and she rounds up her best fleet to secure their lands, and save her brother. Yeah, I am with the dad on this one. Let the peenless one suffer because he is stupid.
FINAL WHORE UPDATE OF THE SEASON!!!! Shae is stupid and jealous of Sansa. Shae loves Sansa and it annoys her that she cares. Varys offers her money to restart her life elsewhere because her love for Tyrion endangers the couple. Shae is stupid and turns him down. WHORE UPDATE OVER UNTIL NEXT SEASON!
Tyrion probably had no idea this was going on, while Cersei insists he must get Sansa pregnant. Can everyone just leave Sansa and her vagina alone? Cersei also insists she will not marry Loras because she thinks she is the head bitch in charge. She also talks about how her children saved her life, and how Joffrey was once adorable. I am not buying that one, and you need to cut the cord you dumb bitch, your son sucks. I am not sure if I am supposed to feel bad for Cersei, but really NO I could care less that she is miserable.
Lucky for her, JAIME IS BACK!! He and Brienne have returned and he goes to see his sister, and she is thrilled to see the love of her life…….but looks like she is going to gag at his one hand. Seriously, he still has a penis and is still fine. Yeah, he is your brother, but you got past that and you could probably get past the one hand thing.
Davos and Gendry bond over the fact that they are just poor bastards with shitty luck. Hooked on Phonics has been working for Davos because he is reading all letters to Stannis and learns of some important news. He visits Stannis and learns that Robb Stark is dead, with Stannis insisting that Melisandre and her freaking Lord of Light have done it. Stannis says Gendry must die, but Davos is not having any of that. He helps Gendry escape, which pisses Stannis off.
Stannis orders that he be put to death, but Davos gives him the news that the Night’s Watch is in trouble and he needs him in order to help with the impending war. Melisandre looks into the fire and tells Stannis that Davos is right. Both men have a role in the war of the North and they all need each other. The Lord of Light just saved Davos’ life, and everyone is headed to the damn freaking cold ass Wall.
FINALLY, our Queen arrives and Dany meets the people of Yunkai. She tells them that she cannot give them their freedom because she does not own them, and they just are free. Way to confuse these people, Dany; they don’t really look like philosophy majors. Luckily they respond by calling her ‘Mhysa’, which means mother. She walks among her people and they lift her in the air like she is Simba in The Lion King. Now Dany has an army of about a bajillion people behind her as she frees more and more people. Everyone loves this bitch and her dragons!!
And with the end of this season I bid you adieu. Overall this season was full of surprises, great new characters, some deaths, and the loss of many body parts. Hope to see you all back here for season four next year!!
Good Lord, this recap was funny, but I thought for sure you’d refer to Theon’s peen as “dick in a box” at least once. Oh well.