We are now almost half way through the new season and I am still left asking the question….what exactly did that pie taste like? I won’t ever forget the damn pie. Did it actually taste like a pigeon? Did anyone try eating the damn thing when clearly Joffrey’s drink was poisoned and not the pie? WHY IS THE PIE GETTING SUCH A BAD WRAP? But enough about the damn pie, let’s get to the hits and misses of this week’s episode:
AND YOU THOUGHT BANK OF AMERICA WAS BAD: The Iron Bank royally blows. Seriously, there are three guys who act all high and mighty and then they get told off by a guy with no fingers who has a second grade reading level? Say what?! At first they do not give Stannis the time of day, because Stannis is B-A-S-I-C. Then Davos gets all “Oh, Captain, My Captain” on their asses and brings up the fabulous point that the Lannisters are kind of always pay their debts, but they are always in debt to begin with. Hmm, why is this the first person to acknowledge this fact? It would have seemed more beneficial to bring that up some point earlier. Also, once Tywin dies the Throne got problems because then Baby Lancelot is in charge and no one wants that.
SOMEONE WHO NEVER DOES ANYTHING RIGHT: Fucking Theon! When’s he’s evil he sucks royally. When he is half way decent because he has no penis, he still sucks royally! So Ramsay Bolton in his typical psychopathic fashion, sends Theon’s penis to the Iron Islands, and Theon’s sister, Yara is pissed. She seemingly does the right thing and gets the troops together to save Theon. She finally frees Theon only to have him freak the absolute fuck out and shout that his name is Reek. Ramsey scares off Yara by releasing the dogs, but she doesn’t mind retreating, as Theon is officially dead to her. So I totally thought maybe Theon was acting like a total wimp in order to survive, but apparently he’s just absolutely bonkers. Also, was there anything more homoerotic than Ramsay rewarding Reek with a bath? Like okay you were loyal, and I love you so you get a bath…..then proceeds to scrub his back. This is some weird ass psychological torture going on here, and I don’t like it one bit.
BREAKING NEWS: The Dragons killed a goat. Bright side: At least it wasn’t an entire community of goats.
DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES: I know what you are saying…what does this vague 90210 reference have to do with GOT? Well I shall tell you now…Queen Dany is the total Donna Martin of Game of Thrones. Now I am sure some of you are freaking out thinking, wtf you totally mean Kelly Taylor right?! No. You know why? Because Kelly Taylor was always an unfortunate asshole. She never learned anything, and she did that freaking annoying baby voice to sleep with an entire cast of men. While I approve of that greatly, it’s so not Queen Dany. Donna Martin, was trendy, hip, sweet, but completely naïve. She had to get wasted at prom and almost ruin her entire high school career before she learned her lessons, and that’s how she became a more knowledge person. She somehow became less of a ditz after that and grew into a smarter, independent woman…..and this sounded like a way better comparison when I started, but dammit that new Tori and Dean show is freaking complelling television people!
My point is, Dany is many tons of mistakes as Queen. She still really does not know how to rule. Every week we see her try to be strong, but she gets called out on not being the ruler she knows she can be. This week she is told that she crucified a man against crucifixions of the slaves. The man’s son, while fighting about the cause of his father’s death, ultimately wants his father given proper burial rights. The guy has a valid point and request. Dany made a harsh decision when she ordered all of the nobility murdered. One can only hope that Dany grows more with each lesson and takes in all of her mistakes to make herself more powerful….just like Donna Martin did.
THE COUCIL LUNCHTABLE: So the hot gossip on the Council is about Khaleesi, Khaleesi, Khaleeeessiiiii. First they are like ughhh we have to attend that boring trial, then they talk about the Hound being a punk and they will have him killed. Then they talk about the HBIC who they would fear more if they saw that freaking teenage dragon that’s terrifying small children and goats. Cersei is all Regina George, and not threatened by the new girl from Africa Cady, a.k.a. Khaleesi. Varys is the total Gretchen Weiner warning everyone that this girl is totally fetch and other people are thinking she’s fetch too, including one Glen Coco.
GLEN COCO: Prince Oberyn is totally Glen Coco, and Varys knows it. Who else could get away with mistaking Varys as gay and then as straight in the same sentence, still be wrong on both accounts, and be absolutely cool doing it. Prince Antonio Banderas Ricky Martin Oberyn, that’s who!
MEGA WHORE LYING SLORE OF THE FREAKING DECADE AND SHE SHOULD DIE IN A FIRE: Shae. To steal a word they like to use on this show, this bitch is a total cunt. Shae testifies against Tyrion telling all lies, including that he was forcing himself on her, and that he and Sansa planned Joffrey’s murder. This all gives Tyrion the sads and makes him give a false confession. There is a special place in hell for this loathsome bitch and actually a fire would be too great a death for her.
BEST BROTHER AWARD: For as much of a scumbag Jaime can be, he really wants to be a good brother to Tyrion. Jaime goes to his father in order to save Tyrion’s life. Jaime agrees to become Tywin’s heir , marry, and carry on the family line…just with someone he is not currently related to. Tywin will agree to let Tyrion join the Night’s Watch. How is this a fair deal? Jaime has to finally sleep with someone he is not related to, and Tyrion has to move up to blizzard territory where he has to wear all black, never have sex, and most likely die in battle. Wouldn’t death be preferred here? Also, how is Cersei going to be in any way okay with this arrangement? She has the brother she hates being kept alive, and the one she likes to sleep with would have to move away and sleep with a new chick. Yeah, Happy Mother’s Day!
IMP THE PIMP: He’s backkkkkkkkkk. For weeks Tyrion has been quiet and kicked around, but the Pimp came back in full force. After Shae makes a fool of him and ruins his life, Tyrion decides to confess, but not to Joffrey’s murder. He confesses he is guilt of being a dwarf. Shit this got deep quickly! He denies killing Joffrey but wishes he had killed the brat king and he pretty much wants everyone in the room dead too. When he has nothing to lose, Tyrion makes a bold speech and pretty much scares the crap out of everyone with his absolute insolence. In the end he feels he should decide his own fate, which shall be a trial by combat. AWWW SNAP!! You have to admit even when the chips are down Tyrion finds a way to at least use his wits to get himself out of any situation. Even if this plan doesn’t work, death is a more welcoming end then lying like a coward.
Who will Tyrion choose as his champion? Bronn? Jaime? Can he throw Shae in for the hell of it? Will Jaime have to marry now even if Tyrion dies? Will the Hound find out that the Council wants him dead? Will Dany make sure her Dragons are put on the correct ADHD medication so they stop eating goats? Can we feed Shae to one of the dragons eventually? Find out next week on an all new Game of Thrones!