The season four finale of Game of Thrones was upon us last night, and boy was it jam packed with a ton of storylines. There was murder, death, a punch to a woman’s crotch, some skeletons wreaking havoc, HODOR, and some Jerry Springer truth being spilled. And away we go with the highlights of tonight’s episode:
THEY DON’T KNEEL: Jon gets a chance to sit and chat with Mance. He wants to strike a deal with the Wildlings leader because he does not want the Night’s Watch eliminated. They have a nice drink to Ygritte, but before long good ole Stannis Baratheon crashes the party. His army pretty much crushes the confused and cornered Wildings. He imprisons Mance on Jon’s suggestion and the Night’s Watch is now no longer under threat of attack. So Stannis just did this for fun? Why exactly did he save the Night’s Watch? Things to consider for next season as I am sure the Night’s Watch won’t be pleased that they now owe the man who claims to be the real King.
STILL ALIVE: The Mountain. Apparently Cersei just won’t let go of the big old punk who killed Oberyn. Oberyn’s spear had poison on it, and Gregor’s arm looks like he has a flesh-eating bacteria. Some witch doctor dude is keeping him alive…my money is on him turning into Bane from Batman.
STILL DEAD: The ginger minge herself, Ygritte. Jon is nice enough to know something instead of nothing and gives her a proper burial in the North. He also cried because he’s back to not getting any, and is stuck with Sam for all eternity.
HAPPY FATHER’S DAY: Cersei is nice enough to inform her father she won’t be listening to a damn thing he ever has to say ever again. She won’t marry Loras, and will help Tommen as King. If he’s not okay with this then she will just have to tell everyone that she and Jaime have been playing with each other’s legos like everyone already thinks. Tywin thinks she is lying, and nothing ever really happened between them. Nope, sorry pops, Jaime totally got into Cersei’s easy bake oven. Parents take note: Your kids should love each other, they just shouldn’t loveeeeeeeee each other.
TWINCEST IS ALWAYS BEST: Cersei tells Jaime that they are now free to love each other because she told their dad everything. Yes! No one at all will find it gross that you are sleeping with your brother!! And they think the Imp is the deranged freak…
NOBODY PUTS DRAGONS IN THE CORNER: Okay, Queen Dany totally did. Is it just me or is the HBIC becoming a total hot mess? Girl cannot control her dragons since they are killing innocent little kids. My theory: they need a stable male presence in their lives, but that’s just a theory. Dany locks up two dragons that aren’t acting crazy in the catacombs and the two teens are screaming uncontrollably. She is sobbing because hey the kid’s just don’t understand the pressure of being a dragon mommy and being Queen with 18 titles. Where the hell is the third dragon and has she put it’s picture on milk cartons yet? Dany, it’s 10PM, do you know where your dragons are?
THE SCENE WHERE THEY NEEDED DARYL FROM WALKING DEAD: Bran finally found that damn tree. Whoop-dee-doo. Too bad the entire area is full of a band of Calista Flockhart looking skeletons that don’t want to let them in. Essentially they are White Walkers with eating disorders. So Jojen dies which was quite possibly the most interesting thing he has done on the show so far. Thanks for that! Bran gets called over by one the “children of the forest,” and personally I really wouldn’t accept help from a meth addicted looking Tinkerbell. He also finally meets up with the Three Eyed Raven. It’s some creepy old dude sitting under a damn tree. Great. We waited for this. Bran will never walk again, but Three Eyes is going to teach him to fly. Is this all a metaphor for doing drugs because if it isn’t then this is just really some boring trash that I hate. Thank God for Hodor.
BRIENNE VS. THE HOUND: Brienne and Pod are continuing their search and she happens to be intrigued by Arya practicing her sword fighting. The two exchange pleasantries about the fact that they are some hardcore tomboys who like killing people with swords. When the Hound approaches, Pod recognizes him and Brienne realizes that Arya is Arya. She wants Arya to come with her, but as he Hound points out, Brienne is under orders from the Lannisters and that doesn’t really help her case. The Hound also questions where she will take Arya since there is nowhere the girl will be safe. And they are off….
Brienne is beating the Hound, the Hound is beating Brienne, she grapples the crotch area, he kicks her right square in the taco, she bites his ear and then proceed to punch the ever loving shit out of each other until finally Brienne knocks the Hound off a high cliff and he tumbles to the bottom.
Well that was fun. Who would of thought that the Hound would lose a fight to a chick though? Shocking! Brienne and Pod go off looking for Arya who is hiding, and Arya finds the Hound wounded. He asks her to kill him since he is dying from his injuries. He proceeds to hurl cruel comments about her friends and family, and then tries begging her to cross his name off her list. Arya takes him money and leaves him to die on his own. Is the Hound really dead? How the hell didn’t Brienne and Pod hear him shouting in that valley? Will Arya regret not finishing off her favorite kidnapper ever? We’ll see…
SPECIAL SUBWAY TOKEN: Arya finally gets to use her special subway token that Jaqen gave her a few seasons ago. She meets with a ship captain and asks if she can have passage to the Wall. The captain informs her they are going to Braavos, and she realizes she can finally use that coin that really has not helped her at all so far. She hands the coin to the captain and says Valar Morghulis. This flat out means that Arya gets a first class cabin suite to Braavos. Bitch now has her own ship. Well what a shocking turn of events for my favorite Stark kid. What will Arya find on Braavos? And will she take a freaking shower?
SAVE TYRION: Jaime lets his little brother out of his cell so he can escape his execution. Awwww he really does love him. Too bad Cersei will kill him when she finds out he did this. Also too bad that Tyrion does not listen to instructions and instead goes to his dad’s room to wish him a Happy Father’s Day…
THAT FREAKING SLUT BAG FROM HELL IS FINALLY DEAD: Thank fucking God Shae is dead. Shae had been sleeping with Tywin. Can I get an “eww” with a side of “you got to be fucking kidding me?” She fights with Tyrion and they struggle for a bitch, but he ends up strangling her with her expensive necklace. BYE FELICIA! No one will miss you, you gold digging liar whore from hell. I feel bad that Tyrion loved this sack of shit, but you could tell by his face that he was crushed by Shae’s lies. Oh look there is Jeffrey’s crossbow on the….oh where is he going with that…
SO THAT IS WHERE THEY POOP: Nothing like seeing what a medieval shitter looks like. Tyrion finds his father on the port o’crapper. You have to give Tywin credit for trying to have a serious conversation while he is taking a crap. I guess it suits him that he is talking shit while taking a shit. He says he was never going to let Tyrion be executed and now the poop isn’t the only thing that stinks in this room. He repeatedly calls Shae a whore, which gets him shot in the stomach with the crossbow. He disowns Tyrion….really he just shot you and that’s the best you can do? Turns out your son has totally caught you with your pants down….literally. Tyrion ends the conversation by shooting Tywin again in the chest. HAPPY FATHER’S DAY!!!!!
Tyrion finally gets to Varys’ room, and he realizes his little friend has done something naughty. Tyrion is placed in a box and on a ship heading to who knows where alone, until Varys decides he should leave King’s Landing too. Where the hell are they headed? What will everyone do when they find out Tywin Lannister is dead? And that he died on the crapper? How is he going to pay his debts now?
Well that’s that! This season is over, but overall it was full of excitement and okay some crap like Bran here and there. We saw some shocking deaths, reminding us no one is safe in Westeros! Now we just have to wait a whole ten months to see what the hell happens next. In the words of Tywin: Oh Shit! Until next year, thanks everyone!