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Welcome to the Game of Thrones finale of season five. We’ve officially passed the books, and the show is now telling us what might happen in the books. Let’s face it, George will do whatever the hell he wants anyways, but the writers apparently discussed everything with him first. So…question…WHY WOULD I EVEN BOTHER READING THE BOOKS? And an even better question, how do you killed a long-haired ginger because I am getting sick of all the evil people winning. Let’s discuss the highlights:
The Lord of Complete and Utter Bullshit: So we all pretty much knew that Melisandre was full of shit, but they really sped up the bullshit train just one week after sacrificing Shireen last week. The snow stopped and of course it’s because of the Lord of Light. However, Stannis is in a shit storm. Half of his men have left most likely do to the killing of his kid. They didn’t say that but it’s fairly obvious they didn’t enjoy watching an innocent child sacrificed in the name of a fake god. His wife also hung herself. It’s safe to say Stannis is having the WORST. DAY. EVER. Guess who decides to make a run for it? That would be the ginger bitch troll from hell. Stannis insists on going to Winterfell where he is clearly outnumbered. Bolton’s troops easily defeat Stannis. Like it’s so embarrassing they saved some budget money and showed us nothing.
Speaking of Bullshit: I really don’t enjoy the awful moments of coincidence and the missed opportunities. A good example is Sansa lighting the candle in the tower and Brienne walking away about 5 seconds before she can see it. That is not cute. One time, sure, but this is like the 80th time it’s happened. You already kill off the characters people love, do you have to be annoying dicks about everything else as well? Also, I am not surprised that Brienne killed Stannis, they gave us enough hints for that. However, it was so rushed and seemed anticlimactic. He’s defeated, and then she just strolls up to him and he admits he shadow killed Renly. Boom he dead. So Stannis is dead and the read headed piece of shit lives. Thrilling stuff! Davos and Jon are at Castle Black when Melisandre returns looking grim. By the looks of her sorry pale ass ginger ridden face, they know that everyone is dead. Poor Davos.
Slore of the Week: It’s Sam. He is so obvious Jon can tell and is impressed he could get it up after being pummeled to death. Did this conversation really just happen? Side note: Sam has left with Gilly and the baby to become a Sex Maester. Jon is all alone at the wall now, and no one will sit with him in the cafeteria. Without Sam he is a sitting duck… or wolf.
The Other Ginger Who Isn’t a Whore, Just Stupid: Oh Sansa. Picks a lock, lights a candle and gets caught by Reek and that crazy ass bitch girlfriend of Ramsay. Bitch Girlfriend who doesn’t deserve a name threatens to dismember Sansa, so Reek/Theon throws her off the stairs and she crashes to her death. Well that only took two years. Congrats on getting some balls back Theon. Ramsay is returning so they climb and jump off the high wall into the snow below……………………….How exactly was this a smart idea? How about hiding and sneaking out later? I don’t even care about this cliffhanger, forget it.
A Good Thing Finally Happens…and Then it Gets Bad: This should be an episode title, for EVERY DAMN EPISODE OF THIS SHOW. So Trant is little girl shopping again, and he finds one girl he wants because she tolerates pain. It’s not really a little girl, it’s Arya with a fake face! She gouges his eyes out and stabs him repeatedly. She must have been really excited to have one less name to chant from her list. She goes to put the face back and gets caught. Jaqen kills himself because Arya took a life she was not to take. But he really didn’t kill himself because he is no one. Arya still acts like she is someone. This is a big problem because she should be no one. Are you all following this mess? Yeah there is another Jaqen, because really there is NO JAQEN. My point basically is this actor can die 18 times and not get replaced. So she gets punished…they make her blind. Yep. She cannot see. The Stark kids should have really just changed their names and moved to Dorne. Warm climates bring positive things.
What the What: Jaime is leaving Dorne with his daughter and her boyfriend. Ellaria kisses Myrcella goodbye and wow that was long and awkward. It was pretty clear to me what she was doing because most sane adults don’t kiss teenagers for that long of an amount of time. Jaime has a talk with Myrcella, but she tells him to stop talking and she admits she’s always known that he was her father. They hug, and for the first time Jaime seems like he actually cares for another human being that isn’t Cersei or Tyrion. Unfortunately the father/daughter moment last 4 seconds. Myrcella starts bleeding because Ellaria’s lips had poison on them. Them Sand Snakes are in troubleeee when Goldiehand comes after them.
Over In DragonTown: The dudes in Mereen are dumb without Dany. They are arguing over who should be dead, who should be looking for Dany, and what they should do. Other than Tyrion, I am okay with all of them dying. Daario is boring, Jorah is just fucking dreadful, and the servants are just meh. After some chatting, Daario and Jorah will search for Dany, and Tyrion/Grey Worm/Drei are going to rule Mereen. Yes they let a dwarf, servant and a guy with no balls rule. Random fact: Tyrion speaks a little Valyrian. Cool! Meanwhile over in what looks like Ireland, Dany wants to go home. Drogon is being a lazy ass teenager and basically napping. Suddenly she’s approached by quite possible a 1000 people. They look like Dothrakis…….Honestly this bitch is never getting to Westeros. Not even her dragon flies in the right direction. We just went backwards. DAMMIT!
Greatest Walk of Shame of All Time: I never thought I would feel bad for Cersei, but this is really all Lena Headey’s fault for being good at her job. Cersei confesses and expects to go free but she had no idea that she had to perform atonement. She is stripped naked, scrubbed down and they cut that horrendous wig off. Unfortunately her hair is shorter than Brienne’s. She is publicly stripped and forced to walk through the streets naked. This got really uncomfortable and degrading and did I have to see the gross dude’s penis? She gets called whore, cunt, brother fucker…I mean its like they’ve read my reviews. She is bleeding, covered in crap, and crying. Thankfully this only lasted for about 7 minutes of my life! And when she gets to the palace a new Knightsguard picks her up and promises to avenge her. Really it’s Zombie Mountain resurrected from the dead, and he cannot talk. This show really loves a good zombie scene.
E tu, Olly?: Olly tells Jon that someone has seen his Uncle Benjen. Writing this really just made me wants some rice. Unfortunately it’s a set up, and Jon is stabbed repeatedly “for the watch.” They think he is a traitor so they each take a turn, and Olly walks up and gets the final stab. I told ya’ll that kid was trouble! Never trust children that you don’t know. He then is shown dead in the snow. Yeah Snow dead in the snow. And that’s the end…..
Soooo my theory. Right away everyone is saying Jon is reallllllyyy dead because the actor says he won’t be back. He actually said he won’t be back next season. Do I think Jon’s really dead? Yes and no. I think he did die, but he will be brought back. Remember that Melisandre is there now and she can do it. Plus all that king’s blood might come in handy, because let’s face it Jon’s parents were really important people (R + L=J). Also there have been multiple resurrections shown on this show. Why show us the Mountain brought back to life, the rise of the White Walkers, etc. if there wasn’t a hint that this may play into Jon’s story? So I don’t think it’s a real death, but even if it is …Jon Snow still knew nothing, and neither do we. The show will be officially passing the books, and I cannot wait to tune in next year!
This pretty much summed up my thoughts of “WTF was this finale?” and “really BITCH?, REALLY?” I’ll be SMDH till next April*sigh* (sidenote: great review)