I’ve officially given up on hoping this show actually lasts an hour, especially after that episode that I just really wanted to end quickly. Sometimes I like the multiple storylines covered on these episodes, but other times like tonight, I just wish they’d focus on maybe 3 or 4, not what feels like 8 stories. It feels like filler, it feels long and drawn out, and there are just certain people I do NOT care about. However, there was lots of good to discuss in Sunday’s episode so here we go….
Jon “I’d still do him in a pile of” Snow even though he has a small penis: He has a nice butt, so I am going to take the good with the bad and just assume Tormund was being sarcastic when he discussed Jon’s small pecker. Jon wakes up butt naked (thanks for finally throwing the female audience something NICE TO LOOK AT!) and with shorter hair. Davos covers him up and Jon is obviously shaken and confused. The only thing he remembers is being stabbed. Melisandre questions where he went after he died, and Jon reveals there was nothing…. Well how promising, not even a white light?! Melisandre thinks Jon was brought back for a great purpose, but Jon and Davos are just as fucking confused as the rest of us. The Night’s Watch is in shock Jon’s alive, but really they might just be wondering where he had his hair down. It was still perfectly coiffed. At least Jon finally gets to bring his murderers to justice by having them hanged. The best part was that little son of a bitch Olly getting all pissy faced and then looked perfect dangling in midair for being a traitorous tool. After sentencing the men to death Jon gives up his Lord Commander pimp jacket and announces his watch has ended. In theory Jon did find a loophole since he did die. Once dead a man’s watch has ended, and Jon is technically not breaking any laws. Now he can go have sex and kick ass. YES!
The Love Boat: Was I surprised that Sam suffers from seasickness? No. Did I have to see him puke? No. Thanks HBO. He’s also a terrible liar, and Gilly is not going to the Citadel with Sam since women are not allowed. He wants her to stay with his family at Horn Hill. Shouldn’t everyone be moving to Horn Hill at this point if it’s a safe place and has nothing to do with any of the fighting? It seems like the Switzerland of Westeros at this point. She reluctantly agrees since she will never go against the father of her son. Speaking of, baby Sam has Lannister hair. Let the rumor mill begin…
FlashBran: Who knew the only way to make Bran interesting would be for him to flashback consistently every week into SOMEONE ELSE’S STORYLINE?! Yep, that’s the only reason Bran is interesting. He is taken back to his father’s fight with Ser Arthur Dayne. Ned and his men ask Dayne where Lyanna is, but Daybe refuses to answer and they all fight. All men die except Ned and Dayne, and as it seems Dayne is about to defeat Ned, Howland Reed stabs Dayne in the back, and Ned kills Dayne. Ned hears what sounds like Lyanna screaming in the Tower and rushes to her rescue. Bran calls out to his father and young Ned turns around. The 3eyed Raven forces Bran out of the past, and tells him he needs to learn everything before he can leave. See now if I were there, I would be like okay so the story ends with your Aunt giving birth upstairs to baby Jon Snow, and he’s not your brother, he’s your cousin. IT’S REALLY EASY AT THIS POINT TO FIGURE THAT OUT BRAN!
DothCrappy: I think we all know I am a huge Queen Dany fan. Know what I am not a fan of? THIS STORYLINE! I don’t care about the Dothraki unless it be about some Khal Drago flashbacks or dream vision stuff! Now she has to get rescued? Bitch please she managed to conquer three cities and they are sending two guys to rescue her. I care because? Not only does she need to be rescued, but she also has to get stripped naked AGAIN, and forced to wear a potato sack. The lady went into fire to be with her dead husband and lived, I think she gets a pass at having to live like a sad old widowed shrew in a hut!
Moron of the Week: I have a feeling Tommen will be winning this one quite a bit until he dies. Because yes, it’s Tommen. The High Sparrow is conning him, and he’s so weak and dumb, he doesn’t get it. He just got audited and boom it’s over. He tried to be all tough, and then the old guy made him sit on a bench with him. A King doesn’t sit on a bench with someone at their request. Where did Cersei go wrong with you?
My Small Council is Greater than Your Small Council: So Small Councils are where it’s at! You are not cool if you aren’t small counciling it up with your peeps. Tyrion tried to hold the best one with the dull folks over in Meereen, but alas he’s the only one that drinks. Whomp Whomp. Varys thankfully interrupts Tyrion’s attempts at making Grey Worm and Missandei fun. To make a long story short, I know too late, everyone that Dany had conquered is behind the Sons of the Harpy. All those leaders she overthrew are financing this group to take her down. Then come in all of Varys’ little birds, and this turned into some weird creepy old guy and kiddie thing I didn’t want any knowledge of. I mean there was candy! Eww. Anyway in King’s Landing there was also a small council that Cersei and Jaime crashed. Cersei wants justice for her daughter’s death, and the small council don’t really care and walk out on her. Listen the highlight of this whole thing was the old dude farting. When an old dude farting is the best part of your meeting….move on.
Badass of the Week: Thank God for Arya. She was getting her ass kicked by that resting bitch faced Waif girl, and now SHE’S BACKKKKKKKK! Actually Arya proved that she is no one and the girl has no name. So really badass of the week goes to the girl with no name, since yeah she’s no one. I’m not into philosophical stuff so I’m just going to keep calling her Arya. Jaqen gives Arya water, and her eyes are returned to her. At least her run of bad luck is over for now. Things are looking up for the Starks….
Talk about Growth Spurt Off Screen: But things aren’t looking up for the Starks because RICKON IS BACK! Yes that little kid who barely spoke hit a growth spurt in the woods, and I guess can now have a storyline? Unfortunately for Rickon he was captured by Lord Umber who just gave him up to Lord Ramsay. Lord Umber asks for Ramsay’s help in defeating the Wildlings, but he will not kneel and pledge loyalty to Ramsay. Instead he gives Ramsay two prisoners, Osha (yes she still looks like she hasn’t bathed) and yes Lord Rickon Stark. I’m not so sure both of them will be able to survive this situation. They honestly would have been better off becoming White Walkers than deal with Ramsay’s psychotic bullshit.
Where the hell is Jon going to go after leaving Castle Black? Is Bran ever going to finish his trip to the past? Is Rickon going to get fed to dogs for fun? Can Arya leave Braavos and kill everyone town by town? Thanks! Find out next week on an all new Game of Thrones.