It’s episodes like Game of Thrones “The Broken Man” that makes me think viewers aren’t allowed to have nice things. And how much does it suck when Bran isn’t in an episode and I still get annoyed? Damn. This was a filler episode to create buildup form the really good episodes coming up, right? Please, HBO Gods, I hope so. So what magical circumstances did we experience in Sunday’s episode? Oh where do we begin.
Margaery Rebels: It would appear Marge is faking this religious crap and is about to Katie Holmes escape the evil clutches of the High Sparrow. He wants her to produce and heir and keep the faith going. Lady Olenna is annoyed that her granddaughter has been brainwashed but Margaery passes her a note in secret of the house sigil of the rose to proof she isn’t completely crazy. Margaery wants Olenna to return home for her safety, and hopefully she listens because she royally ticked off Cersei. Olenna blames Cersei for everything because it really is all Cersei’s fault. Cersei thinks they should work together, but Olenna is like gurlll bye. I was terrified Cersei was going to have the Mountain pick up Olenna and toss her over a balcony. Hmm maybe next week.
Jaime is a Dick: This isn’t really breaking news but since he has been chilling with Cersei again Jaime has become an even bigger dickhead. I did like that he kicked some Frey ass, but taking over the siege at Riverrun because his sister ordered him, is stupid. Bronn is even tired of his shit. Jaime parleys with Blackfish and he asks him to surrender. The Blackfish reminds him of the oath he made Catelyn of returning Sansa and Arya, and Jaime says the war is over and he will obviously never fulfill that promise based on the Westeros where are they now situation. There will be no surrender, only war, and Jaime is pissed. This is dumb because Who Cares?! This is all so Jaime can go back to Cersei and make her happy so she’ll sleep with him again. How pathetic and unattractive.
Captain Obvious Report: Theon is still pathetic and can’t chug a beer. Yara is a lesbian. They are going to get on a ship and sail to Meereen to join forces with Dany. If this shocks you then you kind of missed the captain obvious joke.
Small Bitch in Charge: Props to the ten year old Lady Mormont who is a bitch at a young age. Go sassy little thing! She is not a fan of Jon’s mumbling or Sansa’s arrogance, but she loves her some Ser Davos. I love the guy, but anyone else worried that he keeps charming little girls? Can we get him an adult date? At least he got 62 men from the Mormonts. If Jorah stops by that would be 62 ½ since he made of stone.
We Don’t Need Your Stinking Houses: We got a total tour of the North and all their houses look cold and poorly ventilated. Also they all are crotchety and I think the cold is to blame. We already covered the Mormont, and the Wildlings also vow to fight with Jon, but other houses are not interested. House Danny Glover would be one of those houses. Glover will remain loyal to the Bolton and Sansa throws a bitch fit. Glover explains that they were loyal to her father, and Robb was a basic bitch who abandoned them to get married and take over everything. Yeah he mic dropped some realness on Sansa and Jon: House Stark is dead. So they don’t have many men, but Jon argues they must fight. Sansa is writing some mystery letter with the Stark sigil and OMG I don’t like it when she does things without consulting with anyone.
ARYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA: She got stabbed and I screamed this out loud. First she booked passage back home, then some creepy old lady approached her. I knew old lady was bad news but I wasn’t prepare for the multiple stab wounds to the stomach like a slasher flick. Waif is also a dick like Jaime. Psychopathic bitch enjoyed that, and Arya swan dived into the water to escape. Who is going to save Arya since she’s bleeding in the streets and everyone is just staring? If it’s Theon I might throw up a little.
You Ain’t Nothing But a Hound Dog: So the big reveal tonight pre-credits was that the Hound is alive and living with some Westeros hippies, but they don’t have pot. This felt so forced honestly. There was a lesson and a moral and oh god it was beyond predictable. And did the Hound really learn anything? Nope, what happened was what he knew would happen, and now he’s even more bitter and pessimistic than usual. So he’s staying with good people, and Ray their leader insists people can change and do good things. Let’s bring goodness into the world! We all know that’s a crock of shit on this show. All the people were killed by the Brotherhood, and Ray was hung. The Hound doesn’t seem pleased. What a happy ending!
Will Arya get saved or is she going to bleed to death on the street? Will Cersei battle the religious right on her own? Will Jaime kill all the Tullys so he can sleep with his sister again, or will Brienne kick his ass? Who will answer Sansa’s letter? Where the hell was the Hound staying since it was so green and cheerful, and can they build summer homes there? Find out next week on an all new Game of Thrones.