Welcome to week two of oh my God I cannot believe we are almost done with this show when THINGS KEEP HAPPENING! This week’s Game of Thrones was just as action packed as the first, and it didn’t even include a horrific cameo from a ginger Hobbit. We have tons to get through so here we go, the highlights and low points of tonight’s episodes:
Like a Comic Con Panel Session: Every time characters finally meet each other or end up in the same room I turn into a total fan girl. The episode kicks off with Dany strategizing with Tyrion and Varys about how the Tyrells and the Dornish girls are on their side. Dany takes Varys to task for all his sneaky behavior in the past, and if he starts shit again she will set his ass on fire. Varys seems to be completely down with her plan and even admires her more for calling him out on his shit. Melissandre, the ginger nightmare that isn’t Ed Sheeran, visits and talks about JON SNOW! Tyrion kind of had a boygasm at the sound of JON SNOW! Since Tyrion fangirls, Dany agrees to meet Jon as long as he bends the knee. Well we know Jon’s good on his knees soooo….that’s covered. Cut to almost everybody who hates Cersei being in one room. Olenna thinks Dany should stop getting people to love her, and start having people fear her. Great advice, especially since Lady Olenna scares me and she isn’t even a real person. Ellaria and Olenna are questioning their decision to side with Dany, but Tyrion presents a plan of attack. The Tyrells, Greyjoys, and Dorish will attack King’s Landing while the Unsullied will attach Casterly Rock. This will irritate Cersei to no end, so they all love the plan.
Girl Talk: Lady Olenna and Dany have a private chat. Now see if I was in charge I would make this classy old broad my advisor because she scary in her nun outfit and she is really smart. Olenna gives Dany some good advice that peace never lasts, and all her predecessors, including her family failed. Stop listening to wise men, and think for yourself, that’s how Olenna has survived everyone. Quit being a sheep, and be a dragon. Seriously Olenna should sell bumper stickers because these one liners are great and you don’t even have to sit at a boring seminar to get this kind of life advice.
GreyHeyBoyHey Worm: Missandei and Greyworm say goodbye before he goes off to fight at Casterly Rock. He tells her that she is his only weakness. He fears nothing but her. That’s hot!! And even though he doesn’t have a penis, he at least has an adorable little butt. The two finally have sex in the only way they can, which means Greyworm went to Jon Snow 101 and is good at that thing we cannot write about but…wait I forgot that I don’t have any rules. He has a tongue people!
How Does Cersei Not Dying of Heat Exhaustion In that Outfit? This isn’t going to be the topic of discussion but is anyone else wondering how bad she is sweating? I mean yeah the men wear all that armor, but she’s been wearing dresses from a terrible Banana Republic collection or has been naked until now. Well anyway, low rent Tilda Swinton is trying to turn everyone against Dany and the Tyrells now. She blew up half of her people, why are they even entertaining her? And if we didn’t hate her enough, she now has a weapon to kill dragons. You can kill people but you cannot harm these baby dragons we practically raised for seven seasons. Is anyone else disappointed a huge arrow can kill a dragon? Couldn’t the bow and arrow have like bottles of Wildfire at least attached to the front? IT CANNOT BE THAT SIMPLE!
Jorah: He does not get a flashy title because I hate his stalker ass as much as I hate Baelish creepy uncle vibe. Now I got to watch this scaly bastard get poked and prodded and he looks like he has a staph infection from hell and I cannot. Sam wants to help him, but couldn’t you have just taken a pass on this one?! It’s just all gross and now I am itchy and am starting to see greyscale on my foot, and make it stop!
Short but Probably Important Scene: Sam’s horrible dad will most likely side with the Lannisters, so there are the Lannister allies, the Tarlys. Hopefully when Lady Olenna finds out she’ll cut off Lord Tarly’s balls. He’d be in good company.
OMG JON SNOW IS GOING TO MEET DANY!!!: I had to calm down when I saw the trailer for next week because I have only been waiting for this moment the entire show. Hopefully they can make babies and overlook the fact that she’s his aunt. If everyone else can be incestuous so can they! Jon has to go to Dragonstone, not even to meet with Dany so much, but to collect the Dragonglass under the island. It could be a trap and his people do not trust Dany or Tyrion. Sansa has to open her fat trap once again, but when Jon explains she will be in charge she pretty much packed his bags and was picking out her outfit to see him off. No one thinks this is a good idea, which means it’s a typical Jon Snow idea. Baelish is like YES I CAN SLEEP WITH YOUR SISTER NOW THAT YOU ARE LEAVING! He finally admits he “loves” Sansa and Jon says he will kill him if he touches her. Can Brienne be on like chastity belt watch?
Nymeria is Like Bye Bitch: Arya learns from good old Hot Pie that Jon is the King of the North. That is what you get for wandering around so much and near missing errbody! After thankfully surviving an encounter with a horrific little pop star she reunites with Nymeria her direwolf!!! She talks the wolf out of eating her and reminds her who she is, and how they should go North, and if a wolf could side eye people! Nymeria is like, bye bitch, I have moved on and I don’t need that North crap. That’s what you get for going faceless and ditching me bitch!
The Filler Ending Should Have Been Ten Minutes Longer: Where to begin with this ending? It starts with a little lesbian action, and then Uncle TwatBlock Euron pops in and stops Yara and Ellaria from making out. Euron Jack Sparrow Greyjoy comes flying in a destroys the whole girl power theme we had going! He kills two Sand Snakes by himself, which if you read the books is complete bullshit, HOWEVERRRRR this show massacred anything Dorne related so bye girls. Ellaria and her daughter are captured, booo Cersei is probably going to torture them aka have the Mountain rape them and I am going to go on a feminist rant if my suspicions are correct! Euron outfights Yara, and Theon has the chance to fight him but pulls a Theon and dives off the side of the boat……Sincerely, sincerely I hope this little piece of utter shit dies in a fire slowly.
Next week on Game of Thrones: Will Theon lose any body parts since he already has no balls or a penis? How about his feet and hands? JON AND DANY MEET! Will he bring a gift? Will it be flowers? Will she have her hair done? Why do I already think this is a date? Find out next week on an all new Game of Thrones!