‘Sons of Anarchy’ Review: ‘Playing with Monsters’

Michael Becker/FX

This week the mayhem continues, and Jax is playing a dangerous game. The club continues to make enemies and friends all at once, inciting a gang war among all parties involved. What started out as a game of chess has turned into Jax basically checkmating every son of a bitch who gets in his way. Who is on Team SAMCRO? That’s anyone’s guess at this point, but let’s take a look at some stuff we saw tonight:

CameHO: Tonight it was Jenna Jameson who puts the HO in cameo.  Who knew the boys of Red Woody could afford one of the biggest names in porn? On a random site note, what did that bitch do to her face? It looks like Gemma beat her in the face with a skateboard repeatedly. Let’s hope they had Happy sanitize the place with Febreeze after shooting wrapped.

Hey There Lyla: Somewhere up in Heaven Opie must be really really proud that Lyla is now directing porn. Well at least she’s directing and not the star, I guess we can look on the bright side.

Blacks vs. Whites vs. Browns vs. Yellows vs Albinos: Okay maybe there aren’t Albinos involved but I felt I needed to represent the only damn people we don’t see on the show. What’s with all the color scheming?!?!?! So we all know Jax hates the Chinese because he thinks they killed Tara. Well now Jax is in trouble with August Marks for his hit against Lin. August does not want a gang war, and Jax begs to differ. While Jax plays nice to August’s face, he can tell the tough guy in charge isn’t buying any of Jax’s lies. This causes Jax to form an alliance with the Niners (whispers: the other black guys). So the Niners will side with Jax if he takes care of (whispers: the other black guys that aren’t in their group) I have no idea why I am whispering but basically all the black guys hate each other, and Jax sets everyone up. Last week a bunch of Chinese people died, with a smidge of white people dying, and this week a bunch of black people.  Nero better look out, the brown people have been getting off easy. So to make a long story about a bunch of people who are identified solely by race short…too late: Jax is causing a war between the blacks and the Chinese, all while the Mayans (yeah they brown…eye roll) are also killing the blacks. I almost left out that Jax’s crew are also framing August for also going after Lin by ruining his massage parlors across town. I can’t believe I just wrote that. And there you have it folks, the Jax Teller recipe for a race war. End scene!

Special Note: I’d just like to take this time to say this is a recap and I love all races equally. That being said, I have to admit…..the white people totally have it coming this year.

Filip a.k.a. Chip: Can we get Chibs laid? I didn’t like the new sheriff til she was all like…”Hey call me Ally.” Your name is Althea, we should be calling you Ally at all times. So Allykins (yeah we besties) will scratch the club’s back if they scratch her back. I really think she just wants to sleep with them all and forget she is a cop. Best. Strategy. Ever. At least she is trying to solve Tara’s murder, which can’t be said about Jax who just listened to his sociopath of a mother who is known for pathologically lying to him at all times.

Later on, Ally meets up with Chibs and calls him Chip.   She totally did this on purpose to pretend she isn’t into him. She wants his body!! I also have no idea why I am so excited by this, but it’s probably because I am sick of Gemma and Nero talking basic Spanish 101 to each other. She asks about his scars, and then she shows him her scars and talks about her penchant for abusive boyfriends…and I think she lost him. Seriously? I was rooting for you, and why don’t you just tell him you are dying to have his kids? WTF? This is a motorcycle club, not OKCupid! So Chibs doesn’t really understand flirting and bribes Ally to stop the APB out for Juice. Really he just wanted to change the subject since that got awkward.

1-800-Don’t Call Chibs: Suicide is no laughing matter, except when Chibs tells Juice to go kill himself. Sorry but it was funny, and actually good advice! Juice has Unser call Chibs so he can meet with him. Juice wants to know if there is anything he can do to get back into the club since he has nowhere else to go. Chibs tells Juice he should just blow his brains out. I’m sure he meant this in a loving way! Juice looks like he just found out someone kicked his bald-headed tattooed puppy. He tells Chibs he loves him and leaves. Unser tells Chibs that Juice is lost, but Chibs already knows that. He wants Juice to leave town immediately. WE ALL WANT HIM TO LEAVE ALREADY! Seriously how many times have we wanted this kid to do the right thing and then he goes and does something stupid?! ARGHHH! Gemma wants Unser and Wendy to get him out of town so they take him to what looks like he same hotel Tara stayed at when she ran away. AHHHHHHHHH! These people are so stupid….

The Docks: Borowsky is still watching them. Yep. Not much has changed here. He still knows everything and anything that happens. You betcha. Thanks for that status update.

Random Shit I Never Want to See Again: Couple things in this episode that were random and quite frankly a waste of my fucking time. Brooke and Rat Boy. Rat Boy and Brooke. Ewww to the tenth power. Can we never see his gross dirty body on her 15 year old looking ass ever again?! Break it up Wendy! Cock block that shit like no one’s business. Drive her to the abortion! YUCK!

Also, who is Sandy and why should I care? So a hooker gets beat up by her daddy, and Gemma is livid..YOU PAY HER TO HAVE SEX WITH RANDOM GROSS MEN! You have no moral obligations here! Big old dad Ken comes over and wants the money, and Gemma gets involved and gets hit. Abel has even had enough. Like he is all “my dad is one fucked up dude, huh?” Gemma is like NOOOOOO, but really Abel wants out of the whorehouse and into some nice white people’s home across town. I personally wouldn’t take him though because I really hate it when they make the child speak. Jax loves his mommy so much that they bring Ken a cake at the end and then beat the shit out of him. Mother and son bonding still exists. Cherish these precious moments while they last, and this bitch finally gets what’s coming to her.

What will happen next week when the gangs all go after one another? Will Chibs and Ally have another rendezvous? Will she call him Chaz this time? Will Juice ever buy a fucking clue? Will Nero try to stop Jax’s quest for revenge, or is Jax too far gone? Who will the next random cameHO be?! Find out next week on an all new Sons of Anarchy.

Amanda Drago
Amanda Drago is a writer at TVSource Magazine. Also known as “Hot Mess Mandy”, she's fan of sarcasm and snark with a Bachelor’s Degree in handling the “cray” and a Masters in real talk. Huge fan of soaps, reality TV, and really any well written show that can handle her short attention span. Usually the trashier the show, the better. Follow her on Twitter at @HotMessMandy

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