‘Game of Thrones’ Review: ‘The House of Black and White’

How does HBO follow up the season five premiere of Game of Thrones? With an equally boring episode showing the continuing saga of “Where are they now?” This show was too good to us, and needs to kill someone off stat in order to keep the plot moving because right now, not only is winter coming, but boring is already here.

In this week’s episode, “The House of Black and White,” Arya arrives in Braavos; Podrick and Brienne find danger on the road while stumbling onto a new mission; Cersei fears for safety of Myrcella in Dorne when Ellaria Sand seeks revenge for Oberyn’s death; Stannis has a tempting proposition for Jon and an adviser tempts Daenerys.

Let’s take a look at the highlights of tonight’s episode:

My Favorite Stark: Thankfully Jon reminded us he is not really a Stark tonight for the 800^th time because he is a bastard. So yay!! Arya is back!!! Why she was left out of the premiere is beyond me, but it was great to see the little ass kicker back in action. She finally gets to Braavos, and the House of Black & White. However, she got turned away quicker than Mary did at the inn. Does she leave? Nope she just recites her murder list over and over. I wish I were this upbeat when I was a child.

She throws away her coin, and moves along, only to get herself into a street fight. Now this is reminding me of my childhood! Anyways, the mean innkeeper appears and the troublemakers run off terrified of the creepy looking monk. Arya follows him and he removes his face and appears as Jaqen H’ghar. But he is not really Jaqen and wait is Arya going to learn how to do that? Can I learn how to do that?  OMG I’d change my face to match celebrity faces to get free stuff! And Arya gets into the House of Black and White, which really just sounds like a VIP club with a champagne room.

Can I smack Sansa across the face?: I feel this is a very valid question, and I’d like every opportunity to fulfill this request. Brienne sees her at some ale house, and approaches her, but Little Finger talks Sansa out of seeing Brienne as a friend and more on an enemy. Once a ginger always a ginger! Now granted Brienne is big and scary, but Baelish is little and creepy. Sansa refuses Brienne’s heartfelt request and then Baelish tries to have Brienne killed. Does everyone on this show have to be an asshole? I mean c’mon it’s EVERYONE! Everyone has been an asshole. And my frustration with this bitch of a Stark continues.

Tyrion Update: The box he is now travelling in is slightly larger than his last. Still drunk. Still depressed. Varys is still not explaining this Dany should be Queen thing very well.

Stay Pressed: Cersei is still a “c–t”. That’s not me talking, that’s a direct quote from her brother Tyrion. I’m merely quoting, I swear.

Since Cersei lost Joffrey and her father, she has become fiercely overprotective of her remaining children, you know, the ones she forgot she had. Her main concern at the moment is for daughter Myrcella, shipped off to Dorne (the place where the guy she had killed is from) and is set to marry the prince. She’s also having random midgets killed thanks to the bounty she’s put on Tyrion’s head, guaranteeing lordship to anyone who brings her brother’s head to her. All the little people are in trouble! To make matters worse, she is being a total soccer mom and taking over Tommen’s throne.  He cannot come to a Council meeting because he is busy? What is he doing studying for a math test? It’s not like he is playing video games in his room, what the hell could he be doing? Her interference in the King’s business puts her at odds with her uncle Kevan, who refuses to be a pawn in her game. He makes it clear that if King Tommen wants him to do something, he can visit him in person and make his wishes known.

Bottom line: Cersei is screwing everything up as per usual, she’s just annoying more people now.

Uncle of the Year: Jaime remembered he has kids and is on his way to Dorne with Bron to make sure his daughter is safe. Best. Uncle-Daddy. Ever. Can we also talk about how Dorne is really just a fancy vacation spot in what looks like Spain? Can we all go live there? Life seems less complicated. Will the Prince of Dorne kill Myrcella? It doesn’t look like that’s the case soooooo maybe they have Sangria and one massive orgy? If Ellaria has it her way Dorne will get its revenge for the death of Oberyn.

Dany, you in Danger Girl: So Daenerys is going through her teen years of being a Queen. She really has no idea what she’s doing, but at least she looks good ya’ll. The Sons of Harpy want her dead (this list just keeps getting longer). She gets warned that she shouldn’t go insane with power like her dad (aka The Mad King) did. She’s beheading people who adore her because they broke the law. This is becoming a complete hot mess (and not the good kind).

The people of Dorne are the coolest, they just keep to themselves and drink, but all these people have to conquer and rule people who hate them! So the Masters hate Dany for obvious reasons, and now the slaves are hissing at her like cats in heat because she beheaded one of their own. She cannot win! Huge revolt, and she has to run away. Luckily Drogon makes an appearance to cheer Dany up, and then after a little nuzzle he’s like peace out Mom and flies away. She cannot control her people and she cannot control her teenage dragons going through puberty.

Hooked on Phonics: Works for Gilly! Stannis’ daughter should start charging for all these lessons.

Jon Snow 2015: Jon Snow for President ya’ll!! Well not quite. Stannis doesn’t appreciate that Jon showed Mance mercy by killing him on the stake. However, he recognizes that Jon can lead in the North since he is a Stark. He promises to make Jon a Stark and give him the title of Lord of Winterfell if he walks away from the Night’s Watch and serves him. Jon enjoys being miserable so he tells Sam he has to turn it down.  Really he cannot turn his back on the oath he made to the Night’s Watch. So while this is all happening, there is also a race for the position of Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch. Ser Alliser is the favorite to win, and in case you forgot…he hates Jon. Sam, in the cutest way possible, proposes Jon as Lord Commander. The votes are in, and it’s a tie. Maeser Aemon is the deciding vote and he picks………JON SNOW! They all know that Jon Snow knows nothing right? Whoops.

Please, please, please let Game of Thrones pick up next week with some more action and some more interesting stories! Maybe this explains why it took me so long to get through book 5, it’s just too slow.

Can’t wait for next week’s Game of Thrones episode? Check out the promo below for a sneak peak of what happens.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=45JOxYRu4Sc