Mona returns to Rosewood High school, but she’s not exactly as sane and regretful as she’s letting on.
Being a teenage girl is so hard, you guys. Emily’s on lockdown by her parents thanks to Stalker Nate. Aria is keeping her boyfriend’s secret lovechild a… well, secret, and it’s torturing her. Her father’s mistress is also her new history teacher. Hanna is waking up to Mona in her bedroom. Spencer is unaware that she’s boning a psychopath. And that’s just general things the girls have going on.
Their biggest problem in the premiere is Mona. She’s back at school. She’s all alone and creepy and everyone hates her. Someone haters her so much they stick a brain in her locker. This is where you’d insert an anti-bullying public service announcement, but instead we get Jason and – you know what I’m going to say – his hair! Despite Mona’s insistence that she’s a brand new person and her parents forced her to return to school, the girls aren’t being so forgiving. Jason, however, knows what it’s like to be the outcast and comforts Mona. His hair is just so fully of empathy.
Meanwhile, the girls have zeroed in on a new target: the school janitor. Thanks to a little breaking and entering – these girls have no boundaries – they find the super creepy baby mask that has been in all the Halloween episodes in his office. They have a good reason for stalking the janitor. They just want to find out who Aria stabbed on the train. If they find a stab wound, they find their culprit. I know, I know. It’s not the best logic, but these girls are no Nancy Drew. The mask isn’t the only thing they found. They also discovered a notebook he was seen writing in. Turns out he was writing Mona and the diary is actually Alison’s?!
It’s obvious the writers just gather around a table and throw out random places to throw props and people in hopes of confusing the hell out of readers. Anyway, the diary reveals why Ali is blackmailing Byron. She knew he slept with his student, the current thorn in Aria’s side, Meredith, so she blackmailed him for money. THIS IS NOT SURPRISING AT ALL, YOU GUYS.
They are almost busted by the janitor, but Toby intercepts. A must have told him to do it. The girls rush to leave the school and discover a fire that Meredith is caught on. Later, Byron told Aria that Meredith got a note to go to the storage shed and then it caught on fire. He blames the girls. Hey, Byron, maybe Meredith is just the friggin’ devil? DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT?
Anyway, Hanna suspects Lucas and asks Caleb to talk to him. Unfortunately Lucas isn’t talking, but Caleb does discover a transcript of the meeting with Mona, the school, and her parents. Turns out Mona begged her parents and the school to let her come back. Dun, dun, dun! Hanna is really upset and betrayed and generally filled with hateful feelings. Before she can confront her former BFF, Mona uploads a video online, begging people to forgive her for everything she done. Social media works in Mona’s favor this time.
While watching the video, Lucas stops by and Hanna asks him about Mona. He admits that he’s known Mona was sneaking out of the hospital for a while. Why are crazy hospitals so easy to get out of on TV? She notices that Lucas has an injury, but he says it was a skateboarding accident… About that accident, the episode opened with someone running someone down in a car. The driver was Toby. The person was Lucas. Who? What? Why? Huh?!
As if this isn’t enough ridiculousness for one hour of TV, Jason ends up partially shirtless on his front porch – and no that’s not the ridiculous part! Spencer stopped by to harass him and he wasn’t having it. When she left, Mona came out of his house, prepared to bandage the wound in his side. Excuse me, Mona, but if anyone is going to heal Jason’s-maybe-I-trapped-Aria-in-a-train-and-killed-Garrett-wound, IT IS ME.
Whatever, we all know Ezra is A anyway.